The Calvinist Chronicle

A Trump Blaring over Women - Nothing New WASHINGTON, D.C.—A solemn prayer service at the National Cathedral took a surreal turn Tuesday when Bishop Mariann Budde’s sermon was abruptly drowned out by the blaring of a spectral trumpet. The sound, described by attendees as “otherworldly,” was followed by the faint apparition of a stern man in 16th-century garb, pacing near the pulpit. Bishop Budde, reportedly paused, glanced upward, and resumed her prayer unfazed. “Even in death, some men just can’t handle female leadership,” she later joked to reporters. While the figure did not speak, murmurs spread through the crowd as some attendees speculated it was none other than John Knox, the fiery Scottish reformer. The connection to his infamous treatise, “The First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstruous Regiment of Women,” was quickly made by historians and theology buffs alike. A witness later described the scene as “chaotic yet oddly theological.” However, the real twist came when Donal...

Critics Say Presidential Clemency 2,000 Years Too Late In a shocking twist of historical revisionism, President Biden has issued a last-minute presidential pardon for Pontius Pilate and the Sanhedrin, effectively settling a 2,000-year-old legal dispute. The unprecedented move comes as Biden clears his presidential desk, seemingly determined to resolve theological legal matters that have been pending since the first century. "Sometimes, you've got to wash your hands of ancient history—literally," Biden reportedly quipped, making a clear reference to Pilate's infamous hand-washing gesture. The pardon documents hilariously cite "administrative oversight" and "bureaucratic complications" as primary reasons for the belated legal clemency. Religious scholars and historians are bewildered, with one anonymous theologian remarking, "Well, that's one way to end a presidency—by retroactively solving a crucifixion controversy." The White House pr...

But He’d Probably Tweet About It If He Were 1. Turning Water into Wine? More Like Diet Coke.  Trump’s beverage of choice is famously Diet Coke, not exactly biblical material.   2. The Sermon on the Mount Didn’t Include Golf Tips. While Christ preached humility, Trump’s teachings lean toward “How to Win Bigly.”   3. No Golden Halo, Just Golden Towers. Trump’s love for gold decor is legendary, but celestial halos remain absent from his brand.   4. "Blessed Are the Peacemakers" vs. Twitter Feuds. Christ was about peace; Trump’s tweets were about, well, everything else. 5. Miracles of Healing? Try Miracle Whip on a Burger. The closest we’ve seen is his endorsement of fast food as “health food.” Well, until RFK. 6. Twelve Disciples? Try 12 Cabinet Reshuffles. Loyalty might not be his strongest suit when it comes to keeping a team intact.   7. Walking on Water? He Prefers Mar-a-Lago Pools. If there’s water involved, it’s likely part of a luxury res...

“Why Bother with the Rest?” Wonders Calvinist (For the Umpteenth Time) Local Calvinist Greg Predestine has embraced the New Year with a new devotional titled The Power of the Gospel: A Year in Romans by R.C. Sproul. "Why read anything else when Romans, particularly chapter 9, has all the theological fireworks I need?" he quipped.  Critics argue he should explore other biblical texts, but Greg remains unfazed: "Romans is the ultimate proof of Calvinism. Why complicate things?"  As he embarks on this year-long journey, whispers of a future study on Calvin’s Institutes have already begun circulating among his friends.