The Calvinist Chronicle

New Movement Claims to Have Discovered the True Meaning of the Great Commission A new movement of Christians has emerged that claims to have uncovered the true meaning of the Great Commission that Jesus gave his followers in Matthew 28. According to them, Jesus did not command his disciples to make disciples of individuals or churches, but of nations. They argue that the word "nations" in the original Greek means "ethnic groups" or "political entities", and that the goal of the Kingdom of God is to transform the world's governments and societies to conform to God's Law. The movement, which calls itself "The Disciplers of Nations", says that for the past 2000 years, most Christians have been disobeying Jesus by focusing on personal piety, church growth, and social justice. They say that these are secondary issues that distract from the primary mission of discipling the rulers and magistrates of the world. They believe that by converting th...

Reformed Baptists Torn Between Condemning and Commending Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence A group of Reformed Baptists in Fontana, California, are facing a dilemma: whether to protest or support the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, a charity organization of satirical drag nuns who are known for their irreverent wit and queer activism. The Reformed Baptists, who hold to a Calvinist soteriology (salvation) and the 1689 Baptist Confession of Faith, are staunchly opposed to both transgenderism and Roman Catholicism, two things that the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence embody and mock. "We are conflicted," said Pastor John Calvin Jr., the leader of the Reformed Baptist Church of Riverside. "On one hand, we believe that these drag nuns are an abomination in the sight of God, who created them male and female. On the other hand, we respect their zeal for exposing the errors and evils of the papacy, which we consider to be the Antichrist." Pastor Calvin Jr. said he was inspire...

Man Gets Rich by Shorting the Stock of Every Company That Goes Woke Before Pride Month A man from New York has made a fortune by shorting the stock of every company that goes woke before Pride Month. He claims that he has a foolproof strategy to predict which companies will suffer a backlash from their customers and investors for virtue signaling. "I call it the 'woke-o-meter'," he said. "It's a simple formula that measures how much a company is pandering to the LGBTQ+ community and other social justice causes. The more they do, the more likely their stock will tank." He explained that he uses a variety of indicators to calculate the woke-o-meter score for each company, such as: - The number and frequency of rainbow-themed logos, products, and ads - The amount and percentage of donations to LGBTQ+ organizations and charities - The diversity and inclusion policies and initiatives - The public statements and endorsements of LGBTQ+ celebrities and activists...

Christian Man Mourns Passing of Great Preacher, Ignores All the Bad Stuff He Said and Did A local Christian man, Michael Brown, was saddened to hear about the death of a famous preacher, whom he admired for his contributions to modern Christianity. Brown said he chose to focus on the positive aspects of the preacher's legacy, and not dwell on the controversial and divisive issues that he disagreed with. "I think he was a great man of God, who preached the gospel faithfully and boldly," Brown said. "He had a huge impact on many people's lives, including mine. He taught me how to study the Bible, how to pray, how to share my faith, and how to live a godly life." Brown said he was aware of some of the preacher's controversial views and actions, such as his endorsement of a political candidate who was accused of sexual misconduct, his approach to social justice and race relations, his support for a war that killed thousands of civilians, his endorsement of a...

Mothers Shocked by Pastor's Sermon on Following Christ Many women at Grace Community Church were stunned and outraged when their pastor, **David Jones** [name changed to protect the innocent] delivered a sermon on following Christ instead of a message just telling mothers how wonderful they are. The sermon, titled "The Cost of Discipleship", was based on Luke 14:25-33, where Jesus warns his followers to count the cost of following him and to renounce everything that hinders them from doing so. Jones challenged the women to examine their lives and see if they were truly committed to Christ or if they were just following him for the benefits. He also urged them to repent of any idols or sins that were keeping them from loving God with all their heart, soul, mind and strength. The women were shocked and offended by Jones' sermon, which they felt was insensitive, judgmental and harsh. They expected a message that would affirm their role as mothers and praise them for thei...

From Cage-Stage to Cage Fighter: The Story of John Calvin Jones Getty Images John Calvin Jones was a cage-stage Calvinist who loved to argue about theology on the internet. He thought he had all the answers and everyone else was wrong. He was proud and arrogant. But then he discovered MMA and became a cage fighter. He learned how to fight and how to humble himself. He realized that he was not the best or the smartest person in the world. He also realized that he loved fighting and wanted to make it his career. He had a dream of fighting in the UFC, the biggest and best MMA organization in the world. He trained hard and fought hard. He won many fights and earned a nickname: The Reformer. He was offered a contract by the UFC and a chance to fight his rival, an Arminian named Jacob Arminius Smith. He even promised to give him a Bible study on Proverbs 20:30. But before he could make his UFC debut, he suffered a terrible injury. He tore his knee ligaments and needed surgery. His doctor tol...

Breaking News: Macaroni in the Woods Confirmed to be Remains of Flying Spaghetti Monster In a shocking revelation, scientists have confirmed that the hundreds of pounds of pasta found in the New Jersey woods last week are actually the remains of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), the deity of the Pastafarian religion. The discovery has sent shockwaves across the world, ending the Pastafarian movement and atheists' claims that the argument for the biblical God is no different than the FSM. The pasta dump was first reported by Nina Jochnowitz, a community leader who shared photos of the mysterious mounds of spaghetti, macaroni and ziti on Facebook²⁴. She estimated that there had to be more than 500 pounds of pasta dumped by the stream in Old Bridge Township²⁴. The State Department of Public Works cleaned up the noodles from the illegal dump within an hour using 15 wheelbarrows³. Initially, neighbors speculated that the pasta came from a nearby house that was up for sale after the ow...

Arminians Celebrate Revenge of the 5th by Comparing Anakin Skywalker to Servetus On May 5th, a day after Star Wars Day (May 4th), some Arminian Christians celebrated Revenge of the 5th by comparing Anakin Skywalker's fate to that of Michael Servetus, a Spanish theologian who was burned at the stake by John Calvin for denying the Trinity⁷. According to these Arminians, Anakin Skywalker, who turned to the Dark Side and became Darth Vader, was a symbol of Servetus, who rejected the orthodox doctrine of the Trinity and claimed that Christ was not eternal⁸. They argued that Obi-Wan Kenobi, who fought and defeated Anakin on the volcanic planet of Mustafar, leaving him severely burned and mutilated, was a symbol of Calvin, who condemned Servetus to death by fire for his heresy⁶. One Arminian pastor, who wished to remain anonymous, said: "We see a parallel between Anakin and Servetus. Both were brilliant and talented, but misguided and arrogant. Both challenged the established authori...

Christian Mistakes Star Wars Day for Liturgical Greeting A local Christian man was left red-faced after he responded to a Star Wars fan's greeting of "May the fourth be with you," with "...and also with you!" The incident occurred on Thursday, May 4th, when the man, who wished to remain anonymous, was walking down the street and encountered a group of people wearing Star Wars costumes and holding lightsabers. The man, who is a regular churchgoer and unfamiliar with the popular sci-fi franchise, assumed that the group was part of a religious procession and that they were blessing him with a variation of the traditional liturgical response. "I thought they were saying 'May the force be with you,' which sounded like a nice way of wishing me God's grace and power," the man explained. "So I replied with 'and also with you,' which is what we say in church when the priest says 'The Lord be with you.'" The man said he real...

Baptists Cancel Outdoor Service Due to Rain Threat A local Baptist church has decided to cancel its planned outdoor service this Sunday due to the forecast of rain. The pastor of the church, Rev. Joe Jones, said that he did not want to risk exposing his congregation to the wet weather, which could have dire consequences for their spiritual health. "We believe that baptism is a personal decision that should only be made by those who have professed their faith in Jesus Christ," Jones said. "We do not practice infant baptism, unlike our Presbyterian neighbors, who sprinkle water on their babies as a sign of the covenant." Jones explained that he feared that if his church members got wet from the rain, they might inadvertently become Presbyterians, which would be a tragedy for their souls. "Presbyterians believe in predestination, which means that God has already determined who will be saved and who will be damned," Jones said. "They also have a hierarchy...