Liberal Christian Enraged After Being Told: “Your Soul, God’s Choice”

Woman Considers Trading in Handmaid’s Tale Costume for Puritan Outfit

In a surprising turn of events, local liberal Christian, Emily Harmon, found herself in a heated theological debate after a chance encounter with Calvinist theologian, Dr. John Predestine. The conversation took an unexpected twist when Dr. Predestine casually remarked, “Your soul, God’s choice,” leaving Emily both flabbergasted and fashionably flustered.

“I was just trying to enjoy my fair-trade latte,” Emily recounted, “when this guy starts talking about predestination like it’s the latest Netflix series. I mean, who does that?”

The comment has sparked an identity crisis for Emily, who is now considering trading in her cherished “Handmaid’s Tale” costume for something more… Puritanical. “I never thought I’d say this, but maybe bonnets are the new protest symbol,” she mused while browsing online for historically accurate Puritan attire.

In response to the incident, Emily has organized a protest march titled “My Soul, My Choice,” where participants are encouraged to don their most ironic religious garb. “It’s not just about the clothes,” she explained. “It’s about making a statement that even God doesn’t get to choose my wardrobe.”

Comments

Cracker Barrel Celebrates Pride with Drag Brunch and Bud Light

Cracker Barrel's Business Booms Despite Conservative Boycotts Thanks to Drag Queen Brunch and Bud Light Image source: Cracker Barrel's Official Facebook Page Cracker Barrel Old Country Store, the popular Southern-themed restaurant chain, has seen a surge in business despite facing boycotts from conservative groups for its support of Pride Month. The reason? A new menu item that has attracted customers from all walks of life: the drag queen brunch. The drag queen brunch, which is offered every Sunday from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m., features a variety of dishes such as rainbow pancakes, glitter grits, and fabulous french toast. But the main attraction is the live entertainment provided by some of the most talented drag queens in the country, who perform songs, dances, and comedy routines while interacting with the guests. "We wanted to do something fun and different to celebrate Pride Month and show our support for the LGBTQ+ community," said Cracker Barrel CEO Sandra Cochran. ...

Pride: Remembering Sodom & Gomorrah

Sodom and Gomorrah: The Original Pride Parade Gone Wrong As the calendar turns to June, rainbow flags and glitter will soon blanket city streets worldwide to celebrate LGBTQ+ Pride Month. But before you head out to party, let's take a moment to reflect on the very first recorded Pride parade that didn't go quite as planned - the ill-fated cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. For those rusty on their biblical history, Sodom and Gomorrah were neighboring municipalities around the Dead Sea renowned for their hospitality and...other proclivities. When two angels visited the cities incognito, the residents rolled out the welcome mat in a manner that would make modern swingers blush. Lot, a seemingly chill dude who just wanted to mind his own business, tried to protect the angels from the amorous townsfolk. But despite his pleas to "not act wickedly," the cities' citizens continued to pursue their unconventional interests with gusto befitting their reputation as the original ...

To Protect Last Political Allies from Trump, Biden Pardons Pilate, the Sanhedrin

Critics Say Presidential Clemency 2,000 Years Too Late In a shocking twist of historical revisionism, President Biden has issued a last-minute presidential pardon for Pontius Pilate and the Sanhedrin, effectively settling a 2,000-year-old legal dispute. The unprecedented move comes as Biden clears his presidential desk, seemingly determined to resolve theological legal matters that have been pending since the first century. "Sometimes, you've got to wash your hands of ancient history—literally," Biden reportedly quipped, making a clear reference to Pilate's infamous hand-washing gesture. The pardon documents hilariously cite "administrative oversight" and "bureaucratic complications" as primary reasons for the belated legal clemency. Religious scholars and historians are bewildered, with one anonymous theologian remarking, "Well, that's one way to end a presidency—by retroactively solving a crucifixion controversy." The White House pr...

The Calvinist Chronicle

Search This Blog