Skip to main content

Liberal Christian Enraged After Being Told: “Your Soul, God’s Choice”

Woman Considers Trading in Handmaid’s Tale Costume for Puritan Outfit




 In a surprising turn of events, local liberal Christian, Emily Harmon, found herself in a heated theological debate after a chance encounter with Calvinist theologian, Dr. John Predestine. The conversation took an unexpected twist when Dr. Predestine casually remarked, “Your soul, God’s choice,” leaving Emily both flabbergasted and fashionably flustered.

“I was just trying to enjoy my fair-trade latte,” Emily recounted, “when this guy starts talking about predestination like it’s the latest Netflix series. I mean, who does that?”

The comment has sparked an identity crisis for Emily, who is now considering trading in her cherished “Handmaid’s Tale” costume for something more… Puritanical. “I never thought I’d say this, but maybe bonnets are the new protest symbol,” she mused while browsing online for historically accurate Puritan attire.

In response to the incident, Emily has organized a protest march titled “My Soul, My Choice,” where participants are encouraged to don their most ironic religious garb. “It’s not just about the clothes,” she explained. “It’s about making a statement that even God doesn’t get to choose my wardrobe.”



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Piper Rebukes Driscoll, Defends Stripper Sword-Swallower

Piper Defends Male Strippers from Driscoll, Says Faith is "Erotic to the Core" MINNEAPOLIS, MN - In a surprising turn of events, prominent evangelical leader John Piper has come out in defense of male strippers, arguing that their profession is a valid expression of Christian spirituality. The controversy began when fellow pastor Mark Driscoll condemned male strippers as "ungodly" and "a threat to the moral fabric of society." Driscoll's comments sparked outrage among some in the Christian community, including Piper, who quickly rushed to the defense of the much-maligned exotic dancers. "Mark Driscoll clearly has a very narrow and repressed view of human sexuality," Piper told reporters. "As I've said many times, the Christian faith is erotic to the core. God created us as sexual beings, and that includes the male stripper." Piper went on to cite the "Song of Songs" as biblical evidence that God delights in human sensu...
Post a Comment
Read more

Opinion: How to Win Any Theological Argument With One Simple Phrase

The Ultimate Guide to Dispensational Defense: How to Defend Your Faith and Confuse Your Critics Quickly and Efficiently Are you tired of losing arguments with your fellow Christians over eschatology, hermeneutics, or covenant theology? Do you wish you had a foolproof way to silence your opponents and prove your superior understanding of the Bible? Well, look no further than this one simple phrase: "You don't understand dispensationalism." That's right, with this magic phrase, you can win any theological debate in seconds. Here's how it works: - Step 1: Identify your opponent's position and label it as non-dispensational. It doesn't matter if they are amillennial, postmillennial, covenantal, or even dispensational themselves. Just say they are not. - Step 2: Assert that their position is based on a faulty interpretation of Scripture that ignores the literal, grammatical-historical method and the distinction between Israel and the church. - Step 3: When they...
Post a Comment
Read more

Pious Piper's Passionate Pivot: Launches O***F*** for 'Divine Desires' After 'Erotic' Jesus Revelation

Controversy Erupts as John Piper's Spiritual Sensuality Takes Center Stage on Unconventional Platform In a surprising turn of events, renowned Christian figure John Piper has reportedly ventured into uncharted territory by launching his own O***F*** [full name censored] page. This unexpected move comes hot on the heels of Piper's latest controversial statement where he likened his love for Jesus to something "erotic." Here’s the full quote: “…  that love, that love is not equal to obedience and that love is not equal to agape,  that love is erotic to the core . That’s an overstatement. Eros means I find pleasure in you, Jesus. I find pleasure in you, Jesus.” Piper's account, aptly named "DivineDesires," promises exclusive content that delves into the intimate and sensual aspects of his spiritual connection with Jesus. Subscribers to his page are treated to a series of videos where Piper engages in seemingly ordinary activities, but with a twist that sugg...
Post a Comment
Read more