The Calvinist Chronicle

How one man discovered the truth behind the mysterious gatherings of godly men A curious report has revealed the unexpected reality of the men's retreats organized by the Reformed Church of America. According to a skeptical insider, the retreats are not a cover up for sinful pleasures, but rather a genuine expression of what the men really like doing when their wives aren't around, such as debating theology, barbecuing, drinking whiskey, smoking cigars, going fishing, and just about anything else women don't like doing. The insider, who had suspected foul play in the past, said that he decided to join the retreats to expose the hypocrisy of the men. He expected to find evidence of immorality, corruption, and scandal. However, to his astonishment, he found out that the men were actually sincere and honest in their activities. The insider said that the official agenda of the retreats is a true representation of the real agenda, which is decided by a transparent committee of e...

Some Volunteers Question Whether Believers’ Children Are Really Holy   ASHBURN, VA - A local Reformed church's decision to extend the nursery time on Sunday mornings by an hour has been overturned by the Supreme Court on the grounds of cruel and unusual punishment to the volunteer nursery attendants. The church, Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church, had announced the new policy last month, citing the need for more time for the adult congregation to enjoy fellowship, coffee, and donuts after the worship service. The policy would have required the nursery volunteers to stay with the children, aged from six months to four years, for an additional hour, making the total nursery time three hours long. However, the policy was met with fierce opposition from the nursery volunteers, who claimed that the extended time would subject them to unbearable levels of noise, chaos, and diaper changes. They filed a lawsuit against the church, arguing that the policy violated their constitutional right...

“All Really Does Mean All,” Man Says An Arminian man has shocked the world by claiming that Jesus Christ died not only for humans, but also for animals, plants and rocks. The man, who goes by the name of Noah, says he has been studying the Bible for years and has found evidence that supports his theory. Noah says that when the Bible says Jesus died for the "whole world", it means literally everything in the world, not just people. He cites verses such as John 3:16, which says "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." He also points to Colossians 1:20, which says "and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross." Noah believes that animals, plants and rocks have souls and can be saved by believing in Jesus. He says he has witnessed miracles of nature praising God and ...

How the Apostle Paul's Epistle Captivates and Influences the Minds of the Reformed Faithful Alessandro Algardi (Italian sculptor, 1598-1654), "Beheading of St. Paul" (1650) Marble, height 286 cm., San Paolo Maggiore, Bologna. A new study conducted by the Pew Research Center has revealed that Calvinists, a branch of Protestant Christianity that emphasizes the sovereignty of God and the doctrine of predestination, think about the book of Romans at least nine times a week on average. The book of Romans, written by the apostle Paul, is considered by many Calvinists to be the most comprehensive and systematic presentation of the gospel and the doctrines of grace in the Bible. The study found that Calvinists often meditate on passages such as Romans 8:28-30, which states that "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the ima...

Free-Will Theists Shocked, Reformed Believers Pleased, the Vatican Silent In a shocking discovery, archaeologists have unearthed the remains of a 1000-year-old mummified alien in a remote cave in Peru. The alien, which has a humanoid appearance but with four arms and two heads, was found clutching a copy of Augustinian writingson the free choice of the will, a theological treatise that argues for the doctrine of predestination and the total depravity of human nature. The find has sparked a heated debate among religious scholars and conspiracy theorists, who have different interpretations of the alien's identity and motives. Some believe that the alien was a devout follower of Augustine, who came to Earth to spread his teachings and convert the natives. Others claim that the alien was a heretic, who corrupted Augustine's writings and used them to justify his evil deeds. Still others suggest that the alien was a hoax, planted by anti-Calvinists to discredit the Reformed tradition...

  DC Talk's Jesus Freak Added to Worship Songbooks as a Classical Hymn Jesus Freak by DC Talk In a surprising move, the National Association of Evangelicals (NAE) has announced that the 1995 hit song "Jesus Freak" by DC Talk will be added to the official list of classical hymns for worship services. The song, which blends rap, rock, and grunge elements, was a breakthrough for the Christian music industry and became a cultural phenomenon among young believers.   The NAE said that the decision was made after a careful review of the song's lyrics, musical quality, and theological soundness. The NAE praised the song for its bold proclamation of faith in Jesus Christ, its creative use of biblical imagery, and its relevance to contemporary issues. The NAE also noted that the song has been widely covered by various artists and genres, demonstrating its enduring appeal and versatility.  The announcement was met with mixed reactions from church leaders and worshipers. Some w...

How I Became an ESV-Onlyist After Buying a Reformation Study Bible By Dirk Van der Woude* (*Pseudonym used) Depicted: the Reformation Study Bible, Ligonier Ministries I love reading the Bible, but I was never happy with any translation. Then I bought a Reformation Study Bible with the ESV translation and study notes by R.C. Sproul and other Reformed theologians. It was amazing. The ESV was clear and powerful, and the study notes were helpful and insightful. I used it for everything and gave it to everyone. But one day, I learned that there were different manuscripts of the Greek New Testament, and that the ESV was based on a critical text that was compiled from thousands of manuscripts. I was shocked and confused. How could I trust the ESV if it was based on uncertain manuscripts? I researched this issue and found two opposing views. One said that only the Textus Receptus (TR) and the King James Version (KJV) were reliable, and that the critical text and the modern translations were co...

"We're all made in God's Image," Man Says The "2CV Shield," a common sight among the Truly Reformed ™  on Facebook and other forums A man from California has decided to give up his hobby of photography after he realized that taking pictures of people violates the second commandment of the Bible. John Smith, 35, said he was inspired by a sermon he heard at his church, where the pastor explained that the second commandment forbids making any graven image or likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. "I was shocked when I heard that," Smith said. "I had never thought about it before, but it makes sense. God created us in his image, and we are not supposed to make any images of ourselves or others. That's idolatry." Smith said he immediately went home and deleted all the photos he had taken of his family, friends, and pets. He also threw away his camera, his lap...