The Calvinist Chronicle

Satanists Say No to Halloween, Yes to Satan: How a Religious Minority Is Challenging the Status Quo A group of satanists has announced that they will not be celebrating Halloween this year, citing religious reasons. The group, which calls itself the Church of Satan, said that Halloween is actually a Christian holiday that has been corrupted by commercialism and paganism. "Halloween is derived from All Hallows' Eve, the eve of the Christian feast of All Saints' Day," said a spokesperson for the Church of Satan. "It is a time when Christians honor their dead and pray for their souls. We, as satanists, do not believe in such superstitions and do not want to participate in this mockery of our faith." The spokesperson added that Halloween also promotes witchcraft, ghosts, vampires, zombies, and other supernatural creatures that have nothing to do with satanism. "We are not interested in dressing up as fictional characters or begging for candy from strangers.

  he Screwtape Letters: A Modern Update In a shocking turn of events, the famous correspondence between the senior devil Screwtape and his nephew Wormwood, a junior tempter, has come to an abrupt end. The reason? Modern society is so depraved that Wormwood has no work to do and Screwtape has gone missing. According to sources in the Lowerarchy, the infernal bureaucracy of Hell, Wormwood has recently applied for unemployment benefits, claiming that his assigned human, known only as "the Patient", is beyond redemption. "He is already so corrupted by the world that I have nothing to tempt him with," Wormwood wrote in his last letter to Screwtape. "He spends all his time on social media, watching Netflix, playing video games, and indulging in every kind of vice imaginable. He has no interest in God, morality, or anything that matters. He celebrates the murder of the unborn by their parents. He doesn't even identify as a "he" anymore. He is a lost caus

How Memes Killed the Art of Subtle Humor Christian satire is a form of humor that uses irony and exaggeration to criticize the absurdities of Christianity and its culture. It is a witty and creative art that reveals a deeper truth. However, Christian satire is dying because of memes. Memes are short and crude images or videos that are shared online, usually with a funny or sarcastic caption. They are easy to make and consume, but they are shallow and superficial. They rely on stereotypes and oversimplifications, and they are often offensive and divisive. They appeal to the masses who have short attention spans and low standards for humor. Many Christians have stopped reading or writing Christian satire, and have started sharing or liking memes instead. They no longer challenge their beliefs or assumptions, but confirm their biases and opinions. They no longer enjoy the subtle humor that enriches their faith and culture, but settle for the mediocrity of memes that erodes their intellect

End Times Imminent: Jesus to Return After Israel Threatens to Destroy Damascus and Eclipse Predicted Next Week In a shocking turn of events, Jesus Christ is predicted to return to Earth after Israel threatened to destroy Damascus, as predicted in the book of Ezekiel. The Israeli government has been on high alert after receiving intelligence that the Syrian capital was planning an attack on the Jewish state. In response, Prime Minister Naftali Bennett warned that Israel would "not hesitate to take action" if Damascus did not back down. Meanwhile, astronomers around the world are predicting an eclipse next week, which many believe is a sign of the end times. "This is it, folks," said Dr. John Smith of NASA. "The stars are aligning, the planets are in motion, and the eclipse is coming. It's all happening just as the Bible predicted." The news has sent shockwaves through the Christian community, with many believers convinced that the end is nigh. "I a

Being a Cool and Hip Church is Not as Easy as it Sounds Pastor Bob is a theologically liberal pastor of a Reformed church in Detroit, Michigan. He has a vision to make his church more seeker-friendly and relevant to the culture. He believes that the church should not be too dogmatic or judgmental, but rather focus on being welcoming and loving to everyone. He says that his motto is "being welcoming over being right." However, Pastor Bob has recently noticed some troubling signs in his church. He observes that the members of his church are becoming more and more like the world, and less and less like Christ. He sees that they are adopting the values, attitudes, and behaviors of the secular society, such as materialism, consumerism, individualism, relativism, and hedonism. He also notices that the church is losing its distinctiveness and influence in the community. He wonders why his church is more resembling a social club than a spiritual family. Pastor Bob is confused and fru

  A Pastor's Sermon Leads to a Surprising Change in His Church's Beverage of Choice Pastor John Piper of Bethlehem Baptist Church was annoyed by the sound of his congregants sipping coffee in their seats while he was preaching. He said that they were being irreverent and disrespectful to God and to him. He urged them to give up coffee and to seek God's presence and power instead. However, not everyone was convinced by Piper's arguments. Some felt that he was being too harsh and legalistic, and that there was nothing wrong with enjoying a cup of coffee as long as it did not interfere with one's relationship with God. Others felt that he was missing the point of church, which was to be nourished both spiritually and physically, with equal amounts of instructional messages, watered-down coffee, and frosted cookies. One of these dissenters was Bob Smith, a longtime member of Bethlehem Baptist Church and a self-proclaimed coffee lover. Smith said that he did not agree wi

God's Word Found in the Sky: How a Cosmic Discovery Shook the Scientific World In a shocking turn of events, the Owens Valley Radio Observatory (OVRO) has been defunded by the National Science Foundation (NSF) after its researchers claimed to have discovered the book of Genesis in the cosmic microwave background radiation (CMBR). The CMBR is the faint glow of light that fills the universe, which is believed to be the remnant of the Big Bang. Scientists at OVRO have been using a large array of radio telescopes to study the CMBR and its tiny variations, which can reveal information about the origin and evolution of the universe. However, last week, the OVRO team announced that they had found a hidden message in the CMBR that matched the text of the book of Genesis, the first book of the Bible that describes the creation of the world by God. "We were stunned when we realized what we had found," said Dr. Alice Smith, the lead researcher of the OVRO project. "We checked a