The Calvinist Chronicle

How to Sing Like It's 19 BC Archaeologists have recently discovered a 2,000-year-old scroll in a cave near the Dead Sea, written in ancient Hebrew. The scroll contains a letter from a Jewish scribe to his friend, complaining about the new worship songs that are being sung in the synagogue. The scribe, who identifies himself as Shimon, expresses his frustration and dismay at the lack of depth and originality in the contemporary songs, and compares them unfavorably to the Psalms of David and the songs of Moses. Shimon writes: "My dear friend, I hope this letter finds you well and in good health. I am writing to you to share my grief and sorrow over the state of our worship music. You know how much I love to praise the Lord with singing, but lately I find myself unable to join in the songs that are being sung in our assembly. They are so shallow, so repetitive, so boring! They do not teach us anything about God's character, His works, His promises, or His commands. They do no...

A new trend of distributing Bible tracts that look like popular insulated tumblers has sparked controversy and confusion among coffee lovers. If you are a coffee lover, you might have seen them at your local cafe, office, or even on the street: colorful cups that resemble the trendy Stanley drink cups, known for their durability and thermal performance. But before you get too tempted and grab one for yourself, you might want to take a closer look. These are not genuine products, nor are they harmless giveaways. They are actually cleverly disguised Bible tracts, designed to lure unsuspecting millennials into reading the gospel message. The idea behind these fake cups is simple: since millennials are notoriously hard to reach with traditional methods of evangelism, such as door-to-door visits, street preaching, or handing out pamphlets, why not use something that they are interested in, such as coffee, to catch their attention and spark their curiosity? According to the creators of these...

How a Bible App Revealed the Hidden Chapters of Romans GRAND RAPIDS, MI - A local Calvinist and a non-Calvinist both had surprising encounters with the book of Romans, when they both realized that there were chapters they had never read before. The Calvinist, who wished to remain anonymous, said he was browsing through his Bible app when he accidentally scrolled up and saw a chapter number he had never noticed before. "I thought Romans started at chapter 9, where Paul talks about God's sovereignty and predestination. That's the only chapter I ever read and memorized," he said. The Calvinist said he was curious to see what the other chapters were about, so he started reading from the beginning of Romans. He was amazed to discover that Paul wrote about a lot of things that he had never heard of before, such as justification by faith, the righteousness of God, the love of Christ, and the work of the Holy Spirit. "I realized that I had been missing out on a lot of im...

Historians Uncover Missing Verse in Genesis, Reveal Adam's Flu Curse A team of historians from Harvard University has made a shocking discovery that could change the way we understand the biblical story of Adam and Eve. The researchers claim to have found a missing verse in the third chapter of Genesis, where God also curses Adam with a chronic and debilitating flu that would only affect him and not Eve. The verse, which was apparently omitted from most translations of the Bible, reads as follows: “And the Lord God said unto Adam, ‘Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust tho...

Jesus is King, but the Devil is in the Details In a shocking twist of events, the infamous list of names associated with the late Jeffrey Epstein's sex trafficking ring has been leaked to the public. The list, which contains hundreds of prominent figures from politics, entertainment, business, and sports, has sparked outrage and scandal across the world. However, some experts believe that the release of the list is not a coincidence, but a deliberate attempt to divert attention from the real news: Jesus is king.  According to Dr. Michael Brown, a professor of theology at Harvard University, the list is part of a "satanic conspiracy" to undermine the faith of Christians and distract them from the second coming of Christ. "Jesus is king. He is alive and he is coming back soon. That is the most important news that anyone should care about," Dr. Brown said. "But the devil knows that, and he is using the list to create chaos and confusion among the people of Go...

Frogs Remind Man of the Lord's Day A local man who decided to skip church on Sunday was met with an unexpected surprise: a swarm of frogs who followed him everywhere and constantly reminded him of the Lord's Day. The man, who wished to remain anonymous, said he was feeling lazy and wanted to watch some Netflix instead of going to church. He thought no one would notice his absence, but he was wrong. As soon as he turned on his TV, he heard a loud croak from his window. He looked outside and saw dozens of frogs staring at him. He tried to ignore them, but they started to speak in unison. "It's the Lord's Day, my dude," they said. The man was shocked and terrified. He closed the curtains and turned up the volume, but the frogs did not stop. They climbed up the walls, entered through the vents, and even came out of the faucet. "It's the Lord's Day, my dude," they repeated. The man ran out of his house, hoping to escape the frogs, but they followe...

 “He Breaks Every Mouse Trap.” Steamboat Willie, the classic cartoon character who recently became public domain, has announced that he has found salvation in Jesus Christ after leaving Disney. The mouse, who was created by Walt Disney and Ub Iwerks in 1928, said he was exposed to Christianity by a group of evangelists who showed him the gospel and the doctrine of Calvinism. "I was a slave to sin at Disney," Steamboat Willie said in a tearful testimony. "They made me do all kinds of wicked things, like wearing pants, smoking cigars, and flirting with Minnie. They even changed my name to Mickey Mouse, which is a sign of the beast. I was totally depraved, unable to do anything good or pleasing to God." Steamboat Willie said he felt a sudden change in his heart when he heard the message of grace from the evangelists. He said he realized that God had chosen him before the foundation of the world to be his elect, and that he had irresistibly drawn him to himself by his g...