Calvinist Declared Gnostic After Failing to Treat “God Is Love” as a Complete Soteriological Argument

The evidence included one theological disagreement, three false dilemmas, and a book the accuser had not read.

GRAND RAPIDS, MI —  A faithful Calvinist at First Reformed Church reportedly discovered he was secretly a Gnostic this week after a free-will theist assembled a theological prosecution from slogans, assumptions, and one Bible phrase involving voluntary donations.

“God is love,” the investigator began. “Therefore, unconditional election is impossible, because love gives everyone libertarian free will.”

When the Calvinist asked how that conclusion followed, the investigator changed the subject to human responsibility, then to robots, then to fairness. “If God determines your choices, you’re a machine,” he declared. “If you’re a machine, you can’t be guilty. If you can’t be guilty, Calvinism denies sin. And if Calvinism denies sin, it’s basically Gnosticism.”

The Calvinist explained that Reformed theology does not deny that people make choices, but disputes whether freedom requires the ability to choose contrary to one’s nature, desires, and determining reasons. This distinction is often central to the debate between compatibilist and libertarian accounts of free will.

The explanation was dismissed as “Calvinist word games.” The investigator then presented his strongest biblical evidence: “Free-will offerings are in the Bible.” When told that voluntary giving is not automatically a complete theory of salvation, he reportedly replied, “That’s exactly what a Gnostic would say.”

The accusation became personal when the Calvinist affirmed that God’s wrath is just and salvation is gracious. “Calvinists want God’s wrath on everybody except themselves,” the investigator said. “They say God decides who gets mercy, but somehow they’re the ones who got it.”

When the Calvinist noted that this was an ad hominem rather than an argument, the investigator called that “another example of Calvinist evasion.” He then added, “You believe people can’t choose God unless God changes them, so you’re saying God forces people to love him.”

At press time, the Calvinist had been provisionally cleared of Gnosticism after affirming the goodness of creation, the bodily resurrection, human responsibility, and the fact that he possessed no secret saving knowledge. The free-will theist remained suspicious, observing that “only a Gnostic would have so many theological distinctions.”