The Calvinist Chronicle

 Sources say the move was inspired less by theology than by incense, icons, and the deeply spiritual confidence that comes from joining whatever tradition currently sounds hardest to explain at dinner. NEW YORK — In a move described by friends as “predictable” and by the internet as “inevitable,” one notoriously pretentious Protestant announced this week that he had converted to Eastern Orthodoxy after discovering it had the exact aesthetic ratio of mystery, gravity, and historical gravitas required to support his personality. According to those familiar with the situation, the man’s conversion was not preceded by any serious study of polity, conciliar history, sacramental theology, or the thousand-year arguments that usually accompany a decision of this kind. Instead, sources said, he arrived at Orthodoxy the way some people arrive at artisan coffee: by noticing that it seems more authentic than what everyone else is doing and then speaking about it as though he had personally sur...

Church officials say the measure will help avoid offending anyone by leaving Christianity safely visible only in memory, stained glass, and a few carefully neutral statements about shared values. In a groundbreaking effort to make sure the church remains welcoming to everyone except the Bible, denominational leaders reportedly urged congregations this week to remove visible copies of Scripture during a wave of newcomers, citing concerns that overt Christianity might create “ecumenical discomfort.” The policy, praised by officials as a bold step toward unity, encourages churches to preserve the faith in all the traditional ways: by referring to it vaguely, treating it respectfully from a distance, and ensuring it does not appear in the room where actual decisions are being made. “This is really about hospitality,” said one church representative, “and by hospitality we mean removing anything that might suggest the church believes something with any clarity at all.” According to sources, ...

Sources say the room experienced “a move of the Spirit,” though musicians later confirmed it was only a very effective resolution and a highly suggestible emotional arc. In a development that has once again exposed the fragile boundary between biblical worship and harmonic manipulation, several attendees at Sunday’s service reportedly concluded they had encountered the Holy Spirit after the worship band moved from the VII chord to the I chord and held the landing just long enough to make everyone feel as though something eternal had happened. Witnesses described the moment as “powerful,” “transcendent,” and “the exact part where I got goosebumps,” though one seminary-trained congregant later noted that the emotional spike seemed suspiciously tied to a chord progression and not, as advertised, to a fresh outpouring of divine glory. “The Spirit really showed up there,” said one worshipper, wiping away tears during the bridge, apparently unaware that the band had simply delayed the tonic ...

 Palace rebrands “Defender of the Faith” as “Defender of Faith” in a landmark move that proves Europe has finally conquered Christianity by making it officially optional LONDON — In a move hailed by officials as a triumph of pluralism and by theologians as another small administrative funeral for Christian civilization, King Charles III’s royal role has been updated to “Defender of Faith” in recognition of Britain’s multi-faith reality, a phrase so broad it now appears designed to offend no one except the truth. The revision reportedly came after palace strategists concluded that the monarchy’s original Christian title had become inconveniently particular, and that the best way to honor religious diversity was to flatten all religions into one large ceremonial category with no discernible content. “People today want representation,” said one palace source, “and what better way to represent everyone than by declaring the crown officially committed to all faiths in general, which is ...

Chinese-made, California-banned, and paid for with a paycheck the revolution would have found suspicious **LOS ANGELES** — A local conservative Christian said he marked Independence Day this week by purchasing Chinese-made fireworks he is not permitted to ignite, in what observers described as a fitting tribute to a nation founded on resistance to taxation, regulation, and distant authority. The man, who identified himself as a Reformed Presbyterian in the broad cultural sense and a tax protester in the practical one, bought the fireworks after expressing frustration at being told not to purchase foreign-made goods while also being encouraged to celebrate a holiday built around imported fireworks and national self-congratulation. “People always say don’t buy things made in China,” he said Thursday while loading several boxes into his vehicle. “But somehow Chinese fireworks are fine. And if they came through Mexico, that only adds to the mystery.” The purchase coincided with the Fourth ...

Both Van Til and Clark Camps Agree: Starting with the Wrong Presuppositions Still Gets You Exactly Where You Planned to Go Steven Spielberg’s latest film is being marketed as a bold intellectual reckoning for Christianity. In practice, it functions more like a polished reassurance that disbelief remains as plausible as ever—provided one begins by assuming it. The film’s argument, such as it is, does not so much arrive at its conclusion as it installs it at the foundation. Divine revelation is quietly set aside, human reason is granted autonomy, and from there the narrative unfolds with a kind of cinematic inevitability. Unsurprisingly, a worldview that begins by excluding God manages, after two hours and a swelling score, to conclude that God is unnecessary. From a Van Til perspective, the film is almost commendably transparent. There is no pretense of neutrality here—only a set of presuppositions doing exactly what presuppositions do. From a Clarkian standpoint, it is equally instruct...

Leaders confirm the best way to honor women is to keep them safely away from microphones, decisions, and anything resembling influence In a bold reaffirmation of centuries-old tradition, the Southern Baptist Convention has once again taken a firm stand against the growing threat of women accidentally leading things. At their annual meeting, church leaders voted to reinforce a ban on female pastors, citing a deep commitment to biblical values, historical precedent, and a strong suspicion of women holding clipboards. “We just believe in order,” said one delegate, adjusting his tie while explaining that men are divinely called to lead, and women are divinely called to support that leadership—preferably from a tasteful distance. “It’s not about inequality. It’s about… very specific roles. Extremely specific. Unchangeably specific.” Supporters of the decision emphasized that the policy is rooted in Scripture, though interpretations appear to have been carefully curated over time to align wi...

“We Would Never,” Leaders Say, While Gesturing Broadly at Several Volumes of Historical Precedent Salt Lake Temple, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints In response to the Presbyterian Church (USA)’s ongoing debates over whether monogamy is, in fact, more of a “guideline than a rule,” leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints released a statement this week that experts are describing as “technically restrained, but spiritually… suggestive.” The statement, titled “On the Matter of Historical Enthusiasm,” reaffirmed that the LDS Church does not practice polygamy, has not practiced polygamy, and would like to be very clear that it is absolutely not practicing polygamy—before proceeding to devote several paragraphs to the rich theological, logistical, and, at times, “deeply character-building” history of having done exactly that. “We wish to emphasize that plural marriage is a concluded chapter,” the statement read, adding, “though one whose lessons remain avail...