New research suggests wide‑brimmed statement hats, church crowns, and fascinators are especially well‑received in the heavenly courts. In a breakthrough that has reportedly sent shockwaves through millinery‑minded congregations everywhere, a panel of very serious scholars has announced that the most likely meaning of 1 Corinthians 11:10 is that angels are not merely watching worship—they are actively grading headwear. “That is why a wife ought to have a symbol of authority on her head, because of the angels,” Paul writes. Under the new, highly aesthetic interpretation, this is read as: “The angels are in the room, and they have a particular affinity for dated wide‑brimmed statement hats, church crowns, and fascinators, and they favor churches whose congregants wear them.” According to the report, the heavenly host has long been fascinated by the intersection of dignity, order, and elaborate millinery. Cherubim and seraphim, who spend most of their time before the throne, are said to be...