The Calvinist Chronicle

Officials say the project cannot begin until Christ’s return, but staffing, pearl-gate logistics, and divine-background-check procedures must be ready well in advance. HEAVENLY REALM — Heaven announced an advance recruitment campaign Thursday for Customs and Border Protection officers and Border Patrol agents to assist with future operations at the New Jerusalem, pending the Second Coming and completion of its famously large, high wall. Revelation 21 describes the New Jerusalem as possessing a great, high wall, twelve gates, and angels stationed at those gates; it also says nothing unclean enters the city, only those whose names are written in the Lamb’s Book of Life.  Heavenly officials stressed that the city has not yet descended and its wall is not currently under construction, but said “responsible eschatological planning does not begin after the trumpet sounds.” “We are not saying the angels require help,” said a fictional heavenly recruiter. “We are saying that a twelve-gate ...

Both sides agree the other pronunciation reveals an alarming lack of historical theology, proper Latin, and basic human decency. GRAND RAPIDS, MI — A dispute over how to pronounce the name Augustine entered its fourth day Tuesday after two Reformed men agreed that everybody knows you read it as “Augustine” and not “Augustine.” St. Augustine of Hippo was a fourth- and fifth-century bishop and theologian whose Confessions and City of God remain among Christianity’s most influential works.  His name has more than one recognized English pronunciation, which experts say has made the dispute completely unavoidable. “You can always tell who actually reads the Church Fathers,” said one man, pronouncing the name as “Augustine.”  “The other pronunciation is what happens when people get their theology from airport signs and youth pastors.” A second man, who rather prefers to pronounce it as “Augustine,” called the first pronunciation “a troubling example of modern anti-intellectualism.” ...

“I reject every external constraint on my choices,” he announced shortly before discovering gravity had been holding him down without his consent. PORTLAND, OR — Local man Kevin Drew announced Monday that he had finally embraced true free will, rejecting the idea that any outside force could determine his actions. “I am not controlled by my past, my nature, my circumstances, God, society, biology, or any invisible force whatsoever,” Drew said. “I am completely free.” Moments later, he rose three feet above his kitchen floor. At first, Drew assumed he was experiencing a spiritual breakthrough. But as he continued drifting toward the ceiling fan, he began to suspect that rejecting all external forces had created an unforeseen problem. “Gravity is obviously determinism,” Drew said, clutching a light fixture. “It is constantly acting on me from outside myself. If I accept gravity, then I am admitting that I do not have absolute autonomy.” Gravity is the force of attraction between masses a...

Teenager says he understood the song better after dad’s 40-minute lecture against listening to it. OAKDALE, USA — Local Christian parents Mark and Sarah Wilkins banned Skillet’s song “Monster” from the family car this week after learning that the track’s central theme involves the believer’s struggle against sin and the old self. “I had assumed it was merely loud,” Mark Wilkins said. “But then someone told me it is about the inner battle against the sinful nature. That is far too intense for our children.” Skillet is a Christian rock band, and frontman John Cooper has recently argued that hard-rock music is not inherently demonic simply because of its genre or sound.  The Wilkinses said this was exactly the sort of distinction they preferred not to make. “Scripture may talk about putting sin to death, resisting temptation, and waging spiritual war,” Mark said. “But it does not use electric guitars, so we feel safer if those ideas are communicated only through a gentle acoustic song...

Naval officers say the animal’s cargo manifest is “deeply unusual,” but concede that smuggling a reluctant Old Testament prophet may not technically violate current maritime policy. PERSIAN GULF — A U.S. submarine crew reportedly paused an otherwise routine maritime-security operation this week after sonar detected a large sea creature traveling suspiciously through international waters while carrying a man who identified himself as “Jonah, son of Amittai.” The man, whose voice could reportedly be heard faintly through the whale’s blowhole, said he was not smuggling narcotics, weapons, or prohibited technology. He said he was simply trying to get away from an assignment involving Nineveh. Nineveh was a principal Assyrian city near present-day Mosul, Iraq, and the biblical book of Jonah recounts that the prophet fled his mission, was cast into the sea during a storm, and was swallowed by a great fish before eventually going to Nineveh.  The biblical text says “great fish,” though ca...

“So you’re telling me you eat a burrito and just…know what it tastes like?” he asked, increasingly concerned. TULSA, OK — Pentecostal church member Darren Wallace expressed deep concern Sunday after learning that believers from non-charismatic denominations claim to taste food despite not practicing the gift of tongues. Wallace first noticed the issue at a church potluck, where a Presbyterian visitor complimented the banana pudding. “Brother, I need to stop you right there,” Wallace said, gently lowering his plate. “You said that pudding tastes good. But how exactly did you receive that flavor? Was there an interpretation?” The visitor explained that he simply took a bite. Wallace reportedly looked alarmed. “You mean no prayer language? No heavenly utterance? No sudden movement of the Spirit through the palate?” he asked. “You just put baked beans in your mouth and identified them as baked beans?” Paul’s discussion of spiritual gifts in 1 Corinthians 12 includes “varieties of tongues” ...

Lawmakers celebrate biblical fiscal wisdom, then quietly clarify that land restoration, debt relief for citizens, and any personal sacrifice were “ceremonial provisions.” WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congress voted overwhelmingly this week to restore the biblical Year of Jubilee after discovering that it could be used to erase the nation’s $40 trillion debt without requiring a single member to stop spending money. The actual federal debt passed $40 trillion this month, according to Treasury data and recent reporting.  Lawmakers said the milestone made it clear that the country needed a bold spiritual solution, preferably one involving an ancient command with an extremely selective modern application. “Leviticus teaches liberty throughout the land,” said one congressman, signing the National Jubilee Debt Reset Act with a commemorative shofar-shaped pen. “And what could be more liberating than telling every creditor, ‘We have prayerfully decided this no longer counts’?” The biblical Jubilee de...

Volunteer says the game is fully contained on the mixer’s tiny touchscreen and has not affected worship, apart from the pastor’s microphone now occasionally displaying “God Mode.” CEDAR GROVE, USA — A Reformed church’s sound technician briefly became the most popular member of the media team Sunday after successfully getting the original Doom to run on the sanctuary’s digital soundboard. The game remained entirely on the console’s maintenance screen, church leaders confirmed, and no imagery or game audio was played through the sanctuary speakers. The soundboard still delivered the sermon, psalms, Scripture reading, and announcements normally—provided nobody pressed the newly labeled button marked DO NOT ENABLE GOD MODE DURING CALL TO WORSHIP. Doom, released by id Software in 1993, became both a landmark first-person shooter and a longstanding target for technical hobbyists who enjoy making it run on improbable hardware.  Digital audio mixers are also common in worship settings, whe...

“We wanted to honor her tireless commitment to feeding, comforting, correcting, bathing, transporting, and not losing any children,” organizers said. OAK BROOK, USA — Local stay-at-home mother Emily Parker received a rare public honor Tuesday for successfully raising three occasionally frustrating but generally delightful children through another ordinary week of snacks, laundry, carpool lines, sibling disputes, scraped knees, bedtime stalling, and at least one mysterious sticky substance. Parker’s GoFundMe, titled “Help Emily Continue Doing The Thing Everyone Says Is The Most Important Job In The World,” reached $22 by Tuesday afternoon, thanks to the generosity of three anonymous donors. Organizers also presented her with a six-piece Chicken McNuggets meal, though witnesses confirmed two nuggets were immediately claimed by her youngest child. “Emily has faithfully kept all three children alive, cared for, mostly clean, and emotionally secure despite several mood swings—hers and their...

The evidence included one theological disagreement, three false dilemmas, and a book the accuser had not read. GRAND RAPIDS, MI —  A faithful Calvinist at First Reformed Church reportedly discovered he was secretly a Gnostic this week after a free-will theist assembled a theological prosecution from slogans, assumptions, and one Bible phrase involving voluntary donations. “God is love,” the investigator began. “Therefore, unconditional election is impossible, because love gives everyone libertarian free will.” When the Calvinist asked how that conclusion followed, the investigator changed the subject to human responsibility, then to robots, then to fairness. “If God determines your choices, you’re a machine,” he declared. “If you’re a machine, you can’t be guilty. If you can’t be guilty, Calvinism denies sin. And if Calvinism denies sin, it’s basically Gnosticism.” The Calvinist explained that Reformed theology does not deny that people make choices, but disputes whether freedom re...

 Local man had prepared 47 arguments, 19 loaded questions, three Greek word studies, and a laminated chart titled “Why You Are Wrong,” but had not prepared to answer the door before noon. SPRINGFIELD, USA — Seminary student Nathaniel Briggs spent Saturday afternoon crouched behind the curtains of his parents’ living room, waiting for Jehovah’s Witnesses or Latter-day Saint missionaries to knock on the door. “I’m not looking for a fight,” said Briggs, holding a Bible, three theology books, and a laminated diagram of the Trinity. “I simply want to ask a few sincere questions, beginning with, ‘Can you explain why your entire theological system collapses under John 1:1?’” Jehovah’s Witnesses have a longstanding door-to-door ministry, while missionary work remains central to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Briggs said he admired their zeal, especially because it meant they might eventually provide him with a captive audience. When two missionaries finally approach...

Candidate says he brings extensive communications experience, a scroll full of warnings, and a proven willingness to tell powerful people that judgment is coming. WASHINGTON, D.C. — A mysterious, linen-clad man identifying himself only as “Jeremiah” appeared outside the White House this week to announce that he would like to become President Donald Trump’s next press secretary. The man arrived without a résumé, campaign résumé, media strategy deck, or any apparent familiarity with cable-news booking procedures. He did, however, carry a weathered scroll, repeatedly call the nation to repentance, and tell reporters that the public’s chief problem was not a lack of messaging discipline but “a stubborn refusal to hear the word of the Lord.” Administration officials reportedly found the applicant “unconventional but memorable.” “We have received a lot of résumés,” said one fictional White House staffer. “Most candidates have communications degrees, campaign experience, television appearance...

I’m not throwing it away,” she explains. “I’m simply preserving my spiritual options while I focus on healing, podcasts, and finding myself.” BROOKLYN, NY — Newly deconstructed former Christian Eliza Maren announced this week that she has begun the careful process of freezing her Bible, explaining that she is not ready to engage with Scripture right now but does not want to rule out the possibility of someday returning to selected verses under more favorable emotional conditions. “It has been a really difficult decision,” Maren said in an Instagram video, holding a leather-bound Bible beside a bag of frozen peas. “I used to think I had to either believe every word immediately or throw it in a bonfire while calling my youth pastor abusive. But I am learning that spirituality is a journey, and I deserve the freedom to preserve my options.” Maren said she had been considering Bible freezing for years but finally took action after realizing that she was “recently single, spiritually overwh...

Man says he assumed the difficult verses had already been explained away somewhere in the footnotes, only to find Jesus speaking in complete sentences. NASHVILLE, TN — A local free-will theist reportedly experienced a crisis of interpretation this week after reading the Gospel of John without consulting his usual study Bible, only to discover that Jesus repeatedly says things that sound alarmingly compatible with Reformed theology. The trouble began in John 6, when he encountered Jesus saying that all the Father gives him will come to him, that no one can come unless the Father draws him, and that no one can come unless it is granted by the Father. The reader reportedly paused several times, convinced the passage must be missing a paragraph about libertarian autonomy. “I kept waiting for Jesus to say, ‘Unless, of course, they first generate the decisive independent condition that makes the Father’s drawing effective,’” the man explained. “But he just kept saying things like ‘no one can...

Man confirms he has reached zero people, served zero meals, and completed zero acts of mercy—but has issued 417 urgent statements about everyone else’s tone. ANYTOWN, USA — Local Christian commentator Derek Pruitt spent another productive afternoon this week reviewing the public ministries of people who are preaching, serving, creating, organizing, giving, and occasionally making mistakes in full view of the internet. Pruitt, who describes himself as “a watchman on the wall,” has not personally identified which wall, what danger is approaching, or why the watchman has a gaming chair and a ring light. He says his chief burden is protecting the church from anyone who appears too earnest, too humorous, too public, too imperfect, or insufficiently aware that he has concerns. “Some people think the Great Commission is about going,” Pruitt said, refreshing his notifications. “But the real calling is making sure those who go do not embarrass the cause of Christ by using a thumbnail font I dis...

Manufacturers say the feel-good evangelical condiment pairs perfectly with peanut butter, biscuits, and sermons carefully engineered to offend no one. A new food spread known as Evan-jelly has reportedly become the official refreshment of churches seeking a softer, sweeter, and less structurally demanding form of Christianity. Described as “theologically light” and “emotionally spreadable,” the product is designed for potlucks, fellowship breakfasts, and any sermon where the word “sin” has been replaced with “growth opportunity.” According to its packaging, Evan-jelly is made from “encouragement, affirmation, and a gentle fruit flavor,” with no added conviction and only trace amounts of biblical specificity. It can be paired with peanut butter, spread on biscuits, or applied directly to a sermon until every difficult teaching has been rendered “a little more approachable.” “It’s perfect for people who want something Christian but don’t want to chew,” said one marketing representative. ...

Critics prepare to explain why a heartwarming cabin conversation is not automatically a doctrine of God. NASHVILLE, TN — The author of The Shack reportedly reassured Christian critics this week that the forthcoming sequel, Return to the Shack, will not retreat from the original’s famously controversial theological imagination. Instead, in this fictional account, he has pledged to make the new installment “even more blasphemous, emotionally affirming, and professionally alarming” than its predecessor. The actual sequel, Return to the Shack: A Journey Into Redemption, is scheduled for release October 6, 2026.  But in the satirical press release, the author reportedly promised readers that the book will answer the question everyone has been asking: “What if the first book’s critics had not yet purchased enough highlighters?” “Some readers felt the original did not sufficiently blur the distinction between poetic fiction, personal therapy, and doctrine of God,” the fictional statement ...

After years of Sunday hunger, man realizes he can simply gather a double portion of chicken on the sixth day. ATLANTA, GA — A local churchgoer reported a major theological and culinary breakthrough this weekend after discovering that Chick-fil-A purchased on Saturday remains edible the following day, despite the restaurant’s well-known Sunday closure. “I always assumed the Lord’s Day closure meant there was simply no lawful way to have nuggets on Sunday,” said Nathan Briggs, standing before his refrigerator with the stunned expression of a man who has just found manna beneath the dew. “But then I remembered Israel gathered twice as much on the day before Sabbath. It was right there in Exodus. The precedent has been sitting in Scripture and my meal-prep drawer this entire time.” The discovery began when Briggs bought an additional chicken sandwich, a large fry, twelve nuggets, and “enough Polynesian sauce to endure a moderate wilderness journey” late Saturday afternoon. Rather than bree...

New interpretation preserves libertarian freedom by making every inconvenient pronoun corporate, temporary, or rhetorical. POMONA, CA — A Calvinist scholar was reportedly forced to reconsider his entire theology this week after discovering that Romans 9, long thought to discuss God’s sovereign mercy, hardening, and purpose in election, is actually a carefully coded defense of the proposition that every sinner retains libertarian freedom until the moment God needs him for an illustration. The breakthrough came while reading Paul’s statement that God’s purpose in election might stand “not because of works but because of him who calls.” At first, the scholar believed Paul meant what he plainly wrote. But a helpful online explainer informed him that Paul was actually arguing against a mysterious, unnamed Deterministic Diatribal Opponent who had somehow inserted an entire chapter into the apostle’s letter. “It was right there all along,” the scholar said. “When Paul asks, ‘Why does he still...

The haunting begins whenever someone says, “The Trinity is like…” and ends only after someone explains why the analogy points to an ancient heresy. A growing number of Christians have reportedly begun experiencing supernatural encounters after attempting to explain the Trinity with analogies involving water, apples, shamrocks, or household appliances. The apparitions consistently feature two Irish peasants bearing a striking resemblance to Donall and Conall of Lutheran Satire fame. They do not attack anyone. They do not issue curses. They merely appear at the precise moment a speaker says, “The Trinity is kind of like…” and remain present until the speaker has acknowledged the relevant Christological error. The first incident occurred when a youth pastor compared the Trinity to water existing as ice, liquid, and vapor. The lights reportedly flickered, the church television filled with static, and the pastor saw two figures standing behind him in the dark reflection of the sanctuary win...

Sources say his idea of “open dialogue” involves leading questions, moving goalposts, and declaring any disagreement a form of psychological abuse. The online theology forum was reportedly thrown into yet another spiral this week after a committed free will theist, identified only as “Mark,” announced that he was “done with people who refuse to engage in good faith,” despite having spent the previous 72 hours accusing half the comment section of gaslighting him. According to witnesses, Mark began with what he described as “simple, honest questions.” These included lines like, “So you’re saying God actually controls everything?” and “If man has no free will, why bother preaching?” and “Do you even believe people make real choices?” When responders attempted to clarify that they affirm human responsibility, secondary causes, and real means, Mark reportedly replied, “That’s not what you said earlier,” and “You’re twisting my words,” and “This is classic gaslighting.” Sources say the patte...

Financial guru says the Puritans are great, but maxing out your credit card for a 12‑volume set on covenant theology is not a “baby step.” NASHVILLE — Personal finance icon Dave Ramsey has reportedly issued a pointed caution to Christians everywhere: Reformation Heritage Books is a spiritual danger to your budget, and one careless click on “Complete Works of John Owen” could slide you straight back into the “debt spiral” he has spent decades trying to prevent. According to sources familiar with the matter, the warning came during a segment on “biblically responsible spending,” when a caller asked whether it was wise to purchase a multi‑volume set of Reformed classics on a credit card. “Look,” Ramsey reportedly replied, “I love the Puritans. I love deep theology. I do not love you going into debt for a book you will read six pages of before you fall asleep.” Ramsey’s team is said to have flagged Reformation Heritage Books not because the content is bad, but because the catalog is long, ...

New research suggests wide‑brimmed statement hats, church crowns, and fascinators are especially well‑received in the heavenly courts. In a breakthrough that has reportedly sent shockwaves through millinery‑minded congregations everywhere, a panel of very serious scholars has announced that the most likely meaning of 1 Corinthians 11:10 is that angels are not merely watching worship—they are actively grading headwear. “That is why a wife ought to have a symbol of authority on her head, because of the angels,” Paul writes. Under the new, highly aesthetic interpretation, this is read as: “The angels are in the room, and they have a particular affinity for dated wide‑brimmed statement hats, church crowns, and fascinators, and they favor churches whose congregants wear them.” According to the report, the heavenly host has long been fascinated by the intersection of dignity, order, and elaborate millinery. Cherubim and seraphim, who spend most of their time before the throne, are said to be...