Candidate says he brings extensive communications experience, a scroll full of warnings, and a proven willingness to tell powerful people that judgment is coming.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A mysterious, linen-clad man identifying himself only as “Jeremiah” appeared outside the White House this week to announce that he would like to become President Donald Trump’s next press secretary.
The man arrived without a résumé, campaign résumé, media strategy deck, or any apparent familiarity with cable-news booking procedures. He did, however, carry a weathered scroll, repeatedly call the nation to repentance, and tell reporters that the public’s chief problem was not a lack of messaging discipline but “a stubborn refusal to hear the word of the Lord.”
Administration officials reportedly found the applicant “unconventional but memorable.”
“We have received a lot of résumés,” said one fictional White House staffer. “Most candidates have communications degrees, campaign experience, television appearances, and media contacts. This gentleman brought a clay jar, a yoke, several lamentations, and what appears to be a prophecy involving national judgment.”
Jeremiah is widely remembered in biblical tradition as a prophet who warned Judah of judgment for covenant unfaithfulness and injustice, even as his message was rejected by the nation’s leaders and many of its people. He has also long been known as the “weeping prophet,” a title tied to his grief over the people’s sin and coming calamity.
The applicant said those qualifications make him uniquely suited to handle a modern press briefing.
“Every question has the same answer,” Jeremiah told reporters. “You have forsaken the fountain of living waters and dug for yourselves broken cisterns that cannot hold water.”
Several journalists paused, unsure whether that statement was on the record, off the record, or a comprehensive theological diagnosis of the entire press corps.
When asked about inflation, Jeremiah reportedly tore a small portion of his garment and warned against dishonest scales.
When asked about foreign policy, he instructed the room not to trust in horses, chariots, alliances, or any nation that promises peace while ignoring righteousness.
When asked whether the president had confidence in his nominee for a cabinet vacancy, Jeremiah stared silently at a decorative White House vase for several minutes, then said, “The potter has power over the clay.”
“That is not technically a yes or no,” said one correspondent.
“It rarely was,” Jeremiah replied.
Former press secretary Karoline Leavitt is scheduled to leave the role at the end of August, and reporting indicates the administration may not select a permanent replacement before the midterm elections. The White House has not confirmed that it is considering an ancient prophet for the job, although one official admitted Jeremiah’s availability would simplify some background-check questions.
“His references are unusually strong,” the official said. “But we are concerned about his tendency to announce national consequences in response to relatively routine questions about polling.”
Sources say Jeremiah’s proposed briefing-room strategy would differ sharply from those of typical political spokespersons. Instead of denying reports, deflecting questions, praising the president’s accomplishments, or attacking the motives of reporters, he would reportedly begin every briefing by calling the entire room to humble itself, repent, and stop trusting in political power.
“No more spin,” Jeremiah declared. “No more anonymous sourcing. No more pretending that a favorable news cycle will save a people who refuse correction. The problem with this nation is not that the communications staff lacks message discipline. The problem is that everyone has become a liar, and no one blushes anymore.”
The prophet then produced a wooden yoke and said he planned to wear it during hostile interviews.
Political strategists expressed concern that the new approach might not test well with voters.
“You cannot tell every reporter they are part of a rebellious generation and expect good coverage,” said one consultant.
Jeremiah appeared unmoved.
“I was not sent to maximize favorable coverage,” he said. “I was sent to tell the truth before someone throws me into a cistern.”
At press time, the mysterious applicant was seen standing near the White House gates, declining all cable-news invitations while dictating a press release titled: “Thus Saith the Lord Regarding Your Latest Approval Poll.”
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