The Calvinist Chronicle

Presbyterian Panda, other pages retreat into the digital brush pending threat of extinction Image from the Daily Beast:  https://www.thedailybeast.com/are-narwhals-starting-to-go-extinct Facebook has recently taken down several popular pages that feature animal-themed content with religious or political undertones. The most notable example is Non-denominational Narwhal, a page that posted memes and jokes about narwhals and their beliefs. The page had over 10 million followers before it was abruptly removed by Facebook for violating its community standards. The page's creator, who goes by the pseudonym Nemo, said he was shocked and outraged by Facebook's decision. "I never posted anything hateful or violent. I just wanted to share my love for narwhals and their unique worldview. They are the unicorns of the sea, after all. Facebook is clearly discriminating against me and my fellow narwhals." Facebook has not given a clear explanation for why it shut down Non-denominat...

Happy Fathers Day  Toxic Patriarchy Day! Today is Father's Day, a day when we celebrate the men who have oppressed, exploited and abused women for centuries. A day when we thank them for their violence, their domination and their privilege. A day when we ignore the voices of the marginalized, the oppressed and the silenced. A day when we reinforce the gender binary, the heteronormativity and the patriarchy. Father's Day is a holiday that was invented by a woman named Sonora Smart Dodd  in 1909, who wanted to honor her own father, a Civil War veteran who raised six children by himself after his wife died in childbirth. How selfish of her to impose her personal experience on the rest of us! How insensitive of her to ignore the millions of women who have suffered at the hands of their fathers, husbands, brothers and sons! Father's Day was later made official by President Richard Nixon in 1972. Lest anyone forget, this was a man who was infamously impeached for his corruption, ...

If you are a faithful follower of John MacArthur and/or John Nelson Darby and the   un biblical interpretation system known as Dispensationalism, you may have encountered some opposition from those who disagree with your views. In our last article, we discussed how to refute basic critics of dispensationalism by using the nearly foolproof one-liner: "you don't understand Dispensationalism." But what if they do? If your opponent can actually demonstrate a working knowledge of the basic concepts, knows the core theologians, and is unfazed by the hermeneutic, then it's time to up your apologetic  game. The best way to do that is with this next-level response:  "That's not *REAL* Dispensationalism."  Boom! The cake is a lie. Game over. Roll the credits. Why is this phrase so effective? Because it allows you to dismiss any argument or evidence that contradicts your position without having to engage with it. It also implies that you are the sole authority on w...

Southern Baptist Convention in turmoil over pastor definition The Southern Baptist Convention (SBC), the nation's largest Protestant denomination, is facing a crisis of identity and authority as it struggles to define what constitutes a pastor in its churches. The controversy erupted in February when the SBC's executive committee voted to expel Saddleback Church, one of the largest and most influential congregations in the denomination, for ordaining three women as pastors. The decision was challenged by Saddleback's founding pastor Rick Warren, who appealed to the convention's annual meeting in New Orleans on Tuesday. Warren, who retired as senior pastor last year, argued that the SBC has historically been a diverse and tolerant body that has agreed to disagree on secondary doctrines. He said that his church's decision to ordain women was based on biblical principles and practical needs, and that no one was asking other churches to change their theology. "In 1...

Cat Herding Director Aims to Unite Strays into One Happy Litter Despite Feral Complaints The Catnip Christian Reformed Church has announced the hiring of a new Cat Herding Director, a position that has been vacant for over a year. The new director, Ms. Tabitha Whiskers, is a certified cat behaviorist and a former circus trainer. She will be responsible for overseeing the church's cat program, which houses over 100 cats of various breeds and personalities. The church's cat program was established in 2010 as a way of recognizing the divine calling of cats and providing a safe haven for them to learn. The sanctuary also serves as a source of inspiration and comfort for the church's congregation, who believe that baby kittens are just as much a part of the covenant household as their parents. However, not everyone is happy with the new appointment. The cats themselves have expressed their displeasure with the new director, who has introduced a strict regimen of grooming, feedin...

Cracker Barrel's Business Booms Despite Conservative Boycotts Thanks to Drag Queen Brunch and Bud Light Image source: Cracker Barrel's Official Facebook Page Cracker Barrel Old Country Store, the popular Southern-themed restaurant chain, has seen a surge in business despite facing boycotts from conservative groups for its support of Pride Month. The reason? A new menu item that has attracted customers from all walks of life: the drag queen brunch. The drag queen brunch, which is offered every Sunday from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m., features a variety of dishes such as rainbow pancakes, glitter grits, and fabulous french toast. But the main attraction is the live entertainment provided by some of the most talented drag queens in the country, who perform songs, dances, and comedy routines while interacting with the guests. "We wanted to do something fun and different to celebrate Pride Month and show our support for the LGBTQ+ community," said Cracker Barrel CEO Sandra Cochran. ...

The Ultimate Guide to Dispensational Defense: How to Defend Your Faith and Confuse Your Critics Quickly and Efficiently Are you tired of losing arguments with your fellow Christians over eschatology, hermeneutics, or covenant theology? Do you wish you had a foolproof way to silence your opponents and prove your superior understanding of the Bible? Well, look no further than this one simple phrase: "You don't understand dispensationalism." That's right, with this magic phrase, you can win any theological debate in seconds. Here's how it works: - Step 1: Identify your opponent's position and label it as non-dispensational. It doesn't matter if they are amillennial, postmillennial, covenantal, or even dispensational themselves. Just say they are not. - Step 2: Assert that their position is based on a faulty interpretation of Scripture that ignores the literal, grammatical-historical method and the distinction between Israel and the church. - Step 3: When they...

Local preacher caught listening to private conversations of a congregant from a panel van A local pastor was arrested yesterday for allegedly bugging the house of one of his congregants and using the information to craft his weekly sermons. The pastor, who has not been named, was caught inside a panel van equipped with surveillance equipment parked across the street from the home of Leah Wilson, a regular attendee of his church. The police were called to investigate the mysterious van without plates that had been parked there for several days. They found the pastor inside, wearing headphones and holding a laptop. He was listening to everything that was happening in Wilson's house. He had cameras and microphones hidden all over the place. He even had a script for his next sermon based on what he had heard. Wilson said she was shocked and outraged when she learned that the pastor had been spying on her and her family. She said she had no idea that the van belonged to the pastor or th...

Chik Fil-A Cow Turns into a Pillar of Salt as Company Supports Diversity, Equity and Inclusion In a shocking turn of events, the famous Chik Fil-A cow that has been urging people to "Eat Mor Chikin" for over two decades has been transformed into a pillar of salt after the company announced its support for diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI). The cow, whose official name is Holstein, was reportedly seen on a billboard near Atlanta, Georgia, holding a sign that read "Eat Mor Chikin for All" with a multicolored hand. Witnesses say that as soon as the sign was unveiled, a bright light flashed and the cow was reduced to a heap of salt. "It was like something out of the Bible," said one bystander, who asked to remain anonymous. "I guess the cow couldn't handle the change. Maybe he should have eaten more chikin himself." The company issued a statement expressing its sadness over the loss of its beloved mascot, but reaffirming its commitment to cre...

Fox Identifies as a Chicken and Demands to Be Allowed in the Henhouse A fox who identifies as a chicken has caused a stir in the local farm community by demanding to be allowed in the henhouse. The fox, who goes by the name of Foxy, claims that he has always felt like a chicken trapped in a fox's body and that he deserves to live among his true kin. Foxy says that he has no intention of harming the chickens, but rather wants to protect them from other predators and share their food and shelter. He also says that he has been taking hormones to suppress his natural instincts and grow feathers. "I'm not a fox, I'm a chicken," Foxy said in an interview with the local newspaper. "I was born this way and I can't change it. All I want is to be accepted and respected by the other chickens and the farmer." Foxy also says that he wants to read stories to the baby chicks to gain their trust and groom them to be more accepting of him. He says that he has a colle...

  A Christian Man's Shock: Satan's Big Reveal John Barton was a tolerant Christian who supported gays and trans people. He thought God wanted him to be compassionate and kind. When big stores and local businesses alike began to roll out merchandise and plan special events for Pride Celebrations during the month of June, John said, "I won't buy their clothes or go to their events, but they have the right to celebrate who they are." Not long after, many of the same businesses began to endorse the the transgender movement. John said, "I don't really support that and I'm not sure about the whole restroom thing, but I'm not going to boycott anybody over if. They have the right to celebrate whomever they think they are or want to be." But then, he learned that Satan had been behind everything. Satan had admitted that he had corrupted the world with sin and perversion. Satan had boasted that he had deceived millions of people into supporting his age...