The Calvinist Chronicle

Transfiguration or Just a Really Good Rebrand? How TDoV Became Easter Sunday Washington, D.C.* — In a surprising turn of events, the Transgender Day of Visibility (TDoV) has undergone a divine transformation. The annual celebration, which previously focused on raising awareness about transgender rights and visibility, has now rebranded itself as "Easter Sunday." TDoV organizers held a press conference outside the White House, where they announced their new identity and demanded recognition from the highest office in the land. The Resurrection of TDoV Decked out in pastel-colored robes and clutching baskets of chocolate eggs, TDoV representatives stood proudly on the White House lawn. Their spokesperson, Seraphina Divine, addressed the gathered crowd: "Dear fellow Americans, we come before you today to declare our resurrection. Transgender Day of Visibility is no more. From this moment forward, we are Easter Sunday—the holiest of days, the day when bunnies lay eggs, and c...

Allegations that Dominion belongs to God, the Fix is In THE UNDERWORLD - In a shocking turn of events, the Dark Lord Satan has angrily disputed the results of the eternal soul count on Good Friday, claiming the system is "rigged" and that his victory over Christ has been stolen. "This is a complete travesty of justice," a visibly distraught Satan told reporters from the depths of his fiery domain. "I had this thing won fair and square. The numbers were looking great for me right up until midnight, and then suddenly all these new souls started pouring in for Christ. It's a disgrace." Satan went on to allege widespread demonic fraud, claiming that legions of his most loyal minions were prevented from collecting the souls of the damned due to what he called "outrageous" restrictions on underworld activities. "They wouldn't let my best demons anywhere near the mortal realm," Satan fumed. "Chains, holy water, the name of Jesus -...

Second Coming Candidates Decline Crucifixion, Cite Schedule Conflicts In a stunning turn of events, individuals claiming to be the second coming of Jesus have unanimously declined the opportunity to prove their divinity by undergoing crucifixion and subsequent resurrection. The reason? A sudden onset of schedule conflicts and prior commitments. “We were all set to go,” said one self-proclaimed messiah, who asked to remain anonymous due to not wanting to spoil the surprise. “But then I remembered I had a dentist appointment on Friday, and you know how hard it is to reschedule those.” Another contender cited a more existential reason for backing out. “I was totally ready to take up the cross, but then it dawned on me—what if I’m actually just the third coming of Jesus, and I missed the memo about the second one? That would be embarrassing.” The collective decision has left theologians scratching their heads and historians updating their books, while carpenters are reportedly relieved at ...

Solar Eclipse Patterns Amuse Cities Like Salem, Ninevah, and Rapture In a whimsical twist of fate, recent solar eclipse patterns have left residents of cities like Salem, Ninevah, and Rapture pondering the cosmic comedy unfolding above them. As the moon's shadow danced across the sun, these cities found themselves at the center of a celestial spectacle that seemed to playfully align with their names. Residents of Salem, known for its historical witch trials, witnessed an eclipse that seemed to cast a spell of darkness over the town. Speculations ran wild as locals joked about ghostly protests and bewitching coincidences during this celestial event. In Ninevah, a city steeped in biblical repentance, the eclipse took on a solemn tone as residents contemplated whether this was a divine call to turn away from their wicked ways. Reports emerged of even the most skeptical citizens engaging in prayers and reflections during the eclipse. Meanwhile, in Rapture, a town with a name evoking vi...

Lost in Translation: When Baptists Mistook Lightsabers for Crucifixes In a galaxy not so far away, a new disturbance has been felt among the Baptist community on Earth. Disney's upcoming Star Wars series, "The Acolyte," has inadvertently sparked a wave of concern and confusion among some Baptists due to its name bearing an uncanny resemblance to what they refer to as "papist tradition." The Galactic Mix-Up: As news of "The Acolyte" spread through the galaxy of social media, Baptist congregations found themselves in a state of bewilderment. Some members mistook the title for a nod to papal authority and feared that the Force was aligning with traditions they had long sought to distance themselves from. The Sermons and Speculations: Preachers across Baptist churches took to their pulpits to address the cosmic conundrum. Sermons were filled with references to the dark side of papist influence creeping into the sacred realm of Star Wars. Speculations ran r...

Controversy Erupts as John Piper's Spiritual Sensuality Takes Center Stage on Unconventional Platform In a surprising turn of events, renowned Christian figure John Piper has reportedly ventured into uncharted territory by launching his own O***F*** [full name censored] page. This unexpected move comes hot on the heels of Piper's latest controversial statement where he likened his love for Jesus to something "erotic." Here’s the full quote: “…  that love, that love is not equal to obedience and that love is not equal to agape,  that love is erotic to the core . That’s an overstatement. Eros means I find pleasure in you, Jesus. I find pleasure in you, Jesus.” Piper's account, aptly named "DivineDesires," promises exclusive content that delves into the intimate and sensual aspects of his spiritual connection with Jesus. Subscribers to his page are treated to a series of videos where Piper engages in seemingly ordinary activities, but with a twist that sugg...

Unraveling the Fabric of Faith with Fashionable Flair In the aftermath of a spirited debate, Leighton Flowers and James White found themselves engaged in an online dialogue that was as colorful as the sweaters in White's wardrobe. The debate had been intense, but now, in the digital realm, the tone was lighter, and the stakes were as casual as the knitwear in question. Leighton, assuredly with a mischievous glint in his eye, typed out a message to James, suggesting that the vibrant patterns of his sweaters were not merely a fashion choice but a visual representation of the five points of Calvinism. James, ever the good sport, leaned back in his chair, a smile playing on his lips as he read the message. "The total depravity of my fashion sense is evident in the bold hues and daring designs," Leighton wrote, "much like the total depravity of man." James chuckled and responded, "And yet, I am unconditionally elected to wear these sweaters, regardless of their ...

How to Win Friends and Influence People with Fallacies: A Masterclass by Flowers and White Image graciously lent to us by Facebook page:  @Free Will Ferret In a highly anticipated debate, two prominent theologians clashed over the interpretation of John 6:44, a biblical verse that deals with God’s sovereignty and election. Leighton Flowers, a non-Calvinist, and James White, a Calvinist, each tried to prove their point of view using various logical fallacies and rhetorical devices. The result was a draw, with each side claiming absolute victory and accusing the other of being irrational and dishonest. The debate, which was moderated by a confused and frustrated pastor, lasted for two hours and consisted of opening statements, cross-examinations, rebuttals, and closing remarks. The audience, which was divided into two camps, cheered and booed accordingly, often interrupting the speakers with shouts of “Amen!” or “Heresy!” Flowers, who argued that God draws all people to himself and g...

Calvinists vs. Free-Will Theists: The Facebook Feud That Shook the Internet On Tuesday, March 5, 2024, millions of users around the world were unable to access Facebook, Instagram, and Messenger for several hours, due to a technical issue that affected Meta's servers. The outage caused frustration, confusion, and panic among many people who rely on the social media platforms for communication, entertainment, and business. Some even speculated that the outage was a result of a cyberattack, a government conspiracy, or an alien invasion. However, some Calvinists, who follow the theological tradition of John Calvin, a sixteenth-century Protestant reformer, had a different interpretation of the event. They saw it as a manifestation of God's sovereignty and providence, and a test of their faith and obedience. According to Calvinism, God is the supreme ruler of the universe, who predestines everything that happens, including the salvation or damnation of human souls. Calvinists believ...

A Hilarious Hoax or Brilliant Satire? A shocking discovery has been made by a team of historians who were studying the manuscripts of Luis de Molina, the 16th-century Spanish theologian who is credited with developing the doctrine of Molinism. According to the researchers, they found a hidden note in one of the pages, written in a secret code, that reveals the true intention behind Molinism: it was a satirical attempt by the Jesuits to blend Calvinism and Arminianism to mock them both. Molinism is a theological system that tries to reconcile the sovereignty of God and the free will of humans, by proposing that God has middle knowledge of all possible scenarios and chooses the best one to actualize. It was meant to be a middle ground between the Calvinist view that God predestines everything and the Arminian view that God foresees everything. However, the note, which was deciphered by a cryptologist, says that Molinism was actually a joke devised by Molina and his fellow Jesuits, who we...