The Calvinist Chronicle

When Your Theological Flex Gets Lost in Translation Original image is Public Domain, courtesy of the United States Department of Homeland Security BORDER PATROL CHECKPOINT, AZ - In a bizarre twist of theological proportions, Pastor Steven Anderson's latest encounter with Border Patrol agents took an unexpected turn when he attempted to evangelize his way through a routine checkpoint. When asked about his citizenship, Anderson reportedly launched into an impromptu sermon, declaring, "I'm a citizen of Heaven, brother! Let me tell you about the Good News!" As the bemused agent tried to detain him, Anderson proclaimed, "You can't detain me! I'm free to believe because I'm Arminian!" The agent, mishearing the theological term, immediately sprang into action, shouting, "Armenian? We've got ourselves an illegal!" Chaos ensued as agents attempted to deport the protesting pastor to Armenia. "I said Arminian, not Armenian!" Anderson

The Presbyterian Rebellion: America's Forgotten Founders As we celebrate Independence Day, it's time to set the record straight on who really sparked the American Revolution. While some denominations wave their flags and rewrite history, they seem to have conveniently forgotten the pivotal role played by our stalwart Presbyterian forebears. The True Spark of Revolution Forget the Boston Tea Party; the real rebellion began in the Presbyterian pulpits. As early as 1764, Presbyterian ministers were fanning the flames of discontent against British rule. The Reverend John Witherspoon, a Presbyterian minister and president of the College of New Jersey (now Princeton University), was busy shaping the minds of future revolutionaries long before the first shot was fired at Lexington and Concord. And chances are, they were all sipping tea smuggled in by the Dutch to circumvent those infamous taxes. The Presbyterian Declaration Did you know that one-third of the signers of the Declaration

Cardiologist Discovers 'Jesus Valve,' Atheists Claim It's Just Heartburn In a stunning revelation that has both the medical and religious communities buzzing, renowned cardiologist Dr. Faith Pumper has scientifically confirmed what the Bible has been telling us all along: the human heart is indeed "deceitful above all things and desperately sick" (Jeremiah 17:9). The Heart of the Matter Dr. Pumper's research, conducted at the prestigious Holy Rolling Medical Center, involved examining the hearts of over 10,000 individuals from various backgrounds. The results were nothing short of extraordinary – or should we say, biblical? "We've always known the heart was a complex organ," Dr. Pumper stated in a press conference, "but we never expected to find actual scientific evidence of its moral corruption. It appears that every non-Christian heart we examined was riddled with deceit, wickedness, and an alarming number of reality TV show subscriptions.