The Calvinist Chronicle

Fur-tunate Recipients Say New Beards Are Irresistible Springfield, USA – In a heartwarming yet hilariously unconventional act of charity, local man Chuck "The Beard" Thompson has decided to donate his impressive beard to help fellow reformed men undergoing cancer treatments or those medically unable to grow facial hair. The initiative has sparked both laughter and admiration throughout the community, with some calling it a "hair-raising" act of kindness. The Beard That Changed Lives Thompson, 34, a self-proclaimed "beard enthusiast," spent the last three years cultivating his facial masterpiece, which he affectionately refers to as "The Great Wall of Hair." "I wanted to do something meaningful with my beard," Thompson explained, stroking his flowing locks. "And what better way than to help my fellow reformed men feel a little more... well, manly?" The donation process involves Thompson meticulously shaving off his beard and se

From Tolerance to Tyranny: the Olympic Opening Ceremony **Paris, July 27, 2024** - In a spectacle that could make even the sharpest satirist raise an eyebrow, the Opening Ceremony of the Paris 2024 Olympics showcased a drag queen performance of Leonardo da Vinci's "The Last Supper." This bold interpretation left audiences both amazed and bewildered. While some hailed it as a victory for inclusivity, it has ironically revealed a troubling shift towards intolerance from a community that once stood for acceptance. Two decades ago, the LGBTQ+ community fought passionately for marriage equality, advocating for love, acceptance, and equal rights. Fast forward to the present, and it appears the dynamics have shifted dramatically—quite literally—on the Passerelle Debilly bridge in Paris. Leading the charge was "RuPaul's Drag Race" star Nicky Doll, who, along with fellow performers, reimagined the iconic artwork in a way that only the Olympics could inspire. The iron

When your predestination.exe stops working and you realize you have to choose to restart In a shocking turn of events that has rocked the Reformed community, Calvinists across the globe found themselves frozen in place yesterday, victims of what appears to be a critical error in their internal predestination software. The glitch, reportedly triggered by the recent CrowdStrike news, left thousands of Calvinists stuck mid-sentence, often with one finger raised in theological debate. Elect Elites Scramble for Solutions As news of the freeze spread, panic ensued among the elect. "We always knew we were chosen, but we didn't realize we were running on Windows 95," quipped a flustered John Piper lookalike, frantically trying to ctrl-alt-delete his way out of the situation. Reformed seminaries quickly established emergency hotlines, fielding calls from concerned family members asking how to perform a hard reset on their loved ones. "Have you tried turning them off and on ag

אני חולה In a startling archaeological discovery, researchers have uncovered what appears to be an ancient tweet from King Saul's personal papyrus scroll. The message, roughly translated from ancient Hebrew, simply states: "I'm sick." Experts believe this tweet was posted shortly after Saul's botched assassination attempt on his rival and future successor, David. "It's remarkable how little has changed in 3,000 years," noted Dr. Ima Ginary, lead archaeologist on the project. "Leaders are still using social media to garner sympathy after their nefarious plots go awry." The discovery has sparked a flurry of memes across the Israeli blogosphere, with one popular image showing Saul lying in bed, surrounded by get-well scrolls and a "World's Okayest King" cup on his nightstand. Political analysts are drawing parallels to recent events, suggesting that perhaps some modern leaders could learn from Saul's brevity. "At least h

 Christ is King In the wake of the recent tumultuous events surrounding former President Donald Trump's rally in Pennsylvania, one thing has become abundantly clear: Christ is still King, and He's probably shaking His head in bewilderment at the chaos unfolding below. As shots rang out and Secret Service agents performed their best rugby tackle impressions, Jesus was reportedly overheard muttering, "I leave you guys alone for two millennia, and this is what happens?" The Almighty's PR team quickly issued a statement reminding everyone that "turn the other cheek" was not meant to be interpreted as "duck and cover." Meanwhile, celestial sources confirm that St. Peter has been frantically updating his guest list, unsure whether to prepare for a high-profile arrival or not. The pearly gates have reportedly been given an extra polish, just in case. In a surprising twist, it seems the only person not surprised by the day's events was Trump himsel

 CNN's Questionable Allegiances: Sanhedrin or Roman Influence? In a stunning display of journalistic malpractice, CNN's recent coverage of Jesus of Nazareth's alleged "fall" raises serious questions about the network's loyalties. This blatant misrepresentation of historical events suggests CNN may be working in cahoots with either the Sanhedrin or Roman authorities. The network's insistence that Jesus merely tripped and was escorted to a hospital by "helpful" Roman guards is laughably transparent. Are we to believe that the same Romans who later crucified him were suddenly concerned about his well-being? This whitewashing of events reeks of propaganda aimed at downplaying the severity of Jesus' arrest and execution. CNN's refusal to acknowledge the Sanhedrin's role in Jesus' fate is equally suspicious. By dismissing reports of the Jewish leaders' involvement, the network appears to be shielding them from criticism. This select

Local Man Finds Exotic Locale Empty And Returns Home to New Neighbors In a hilarious twist of fate, 22-year-old Chad Whitebread's summer mission trip to the remote island of Faroffistan ended before it began. Upon arrival, Chad discovered the entire population had emigrated to his hometown of Suburbia, USA. "I was all set to save souls and build wells," lamented Chad, "but the place was emptier than a Joel Osteen sermon on humility." Unbeknownst to Chad, while he was busy fundraising and learning how to say "Jesus loves you" in Faroffistani, the entire island's population had packed up and moved to America, settling in Chad's very own neighborhood. "It's ironic," Chad mused, "I ignored my immigrant neighbors for years, thinking I needed to travel halfway across the world to find people who needed Jesus. Turns out, they were right under my nose the whole time." Back in Suburbia, the Faroffistani refugees have set up a thr

When Your Theological Flex Gets Lost in Translation Original image is Public Domain, courtesy of the United States Department of Homeland Security BORDER PATROL CHECKPOINT, AZ - In a bizarre twist of theological proportions, Pastor Steven Anderson's latest encounter with Border Patrol agents took an unexpected turn when he attempted to evangelize his way through a routine checkpoint. When asked about his citizenship, Anderson reportedly launched into an impromptu sermon, declaring, "I'm a citizen of Heaven, brother! Let me tell you about the Good News!" As the bemused agent tried to detain him, Anderson proclaimed, "You can't detain me! I'm free to believe because I'm Arminian!" The agent, mishearing the theological term, immediately sprang into action, shouting, "Armenian? We've got ourselves an illegal!" Chaos ensued as agents attempted to deport the protesting pastor to Armenia. "I said Arminian, not Armenian!" Anderson

The Presbyterian Rebellion: America's Forgotten Founders As we celebrate Independence Day, it's time to set the record straight on who really sparked the American Revolution. While some denominations wave their flags and rewrite history, they seem to have conveniently forgotten the pivotal role played by our stalwart Presbyterian forebears. The True Spark of Revolution Forget the Boston Tea Party; the real rebellion began in the Presbyterian pulpits. As early as 1764, Presbyterian ministers were fanning the flames of discontent against British rule. The Reverend John Witherspoon, a Presbyterian minister and president of the College of New Jersey (now Princeton University), was busy shaping the minds of future revolutionaries long before the first shot was fired at Lexington and Concord. And chances are, they were all sipping tea smuggled in by the Dutch to circumvent those infamous taxes. The Presbyterian Declaration Did you know that one-third of the signers of the Declaration

Cardiologist Discovers 'Jesus Valve,' Atheists Claim It's Just Heartburn In a stunning revelation that has both the medical and religious communities buzzing, renowned cardiologist Dr. Faith Pumper has scientifically confirmed what the Bible has been telling us all along: the human heart is indeed "deceitful above all things and desperately sick" (Jeremiah 17:9). The Heart of the Matter Dr. Pumper's research, conducted at the prestigious Holy Rolling Medical Center, involved examining the hearts of over 10,000 individuals from various backgrounds. The results were nothing short of extraordinary – or should we say, biblical? "We've always known the heart was a complex organ," Dr. Pumper stated in a press conference, "but we never expected to find actual scientific evidence of its moral corruption. It appears that every non-Christian heart we examined was riddled with deceit, wickedness, and an alarming number of reality TV show subscriptions.