The Calvinist Chronicle

“I’ve heard worse things from my pastor! The hymns I sing every Sunday call me worse things than garbage!” Reformed Man Exclaims In a twist that has left political analysts scratching their heads, a group of undecided Calvinists has swung their support to Donald Trump after President Biden reportedly referred to them as “trash.” This unexpected endorsement has sparked laughter and confusion, all while highlighting the Calvinist doctrine of **total depravity**, which posits that all humans are inherently sinful.  Trash Talk and Total Depravity For those unfamiliar, total depravity means that Calvinists believe they are born sinful—like a broken toaster that only burns toast. So when Biden’s comments hit the airwaves, many Calvinists found themselves chuckling. One particularly bemused Calvinist, “Dave from the Reformed Church,” noted, “Honestly, I’ve heard worse things from my pastor! The hymns I sing every Sunday call me worse things than garbage!” The Great Shift: From Undecided t...

Parents Urged to Inspect Sweets for Signs of Pelagianism, Provisionism, and Other Philosophical Poisons  Local authorities are ramping up warnings this Halloween, advising parents to thoroughly inspect their children's candy for signs of tampering—particularly candy laced with trace amounts of deadly substances such as Provisionism, Arminianism, Pelagianism, and other free-will theistic philosophies.  “Sure, check for razor blades,” said one concerned parent, “but what about those suspiciously liberal-looking gummy bears? They might be pushing humanistic agendas!” “While we’re all for a good scare, the last thing we need is our kids questioning predestination over a handful of Skittles,” said one concerned pastor. Experts suggest discarding any candy that seems overly permissive, especially if it promotes self-determination over divine grace. “If it’s not wrapped in scripture, toss it!” another parent exclaimed. Parents are urged to stay vigilant; after all, the only thing sca...

Trump’s Theological Takedown: Calvinism vs. The Liberal “Normal” In a surprising turn, Donald Trump took to Joe Rogan's podcast to champion Calvinism, drawing parallels between his political battles and theological debates. "Calvinism is tremendous," Trump declared, likening predestination to his political victories—inevitable and ordained. "Just like I defend Christian values from the radical left, I'm here to protect Calvinism from the fake news of theological liberals." Rogan, intrigued, asked about non-denominationalism. Trump dismissed it as "the so-called 'normal Christianity'—a watered-down version pushed by liberals trying to change the narrative." He continued, "These theological liberals want to make everything non-denominational, like a bland soup where everyone picks their own beliefs. But real Christianity has structure and order, just like my administration." Trump's defense of Calvinism resonated with his evange...

The Love of Money Takes You to the World Series In a twist that has theologians buzzing, the Dodgers and Yankees facing off in the World Series is being hailed as proof of Total Depravity, much to the delight of Calvinists. The rivalry's intensity and high stakes are seen as reflections of humanity's inherent flaws and competitive spirit. Calvinists argue that the relentless pursuit of victory by both teams, despite past failures and controversies, mirrors the doctrine of predestination and humanity's inability to choose good without divine intervention. The large payrolls and polarizing nature of both teams further underscore this point, highlighting human greed and ambition. As 1 Timothy 6:10 states, "For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil," illustrating how financial motivations can lead to moral pitfalls. Leighton Flowers, known for his Provisionist views, humorously conceded, "Like the Dodgers last night, I must admit defeat. Perhaps this r...

Local Drive-Thru Attendant Suggests He Tries the McDonalds Down the Street In a shocking turn of events at a local Wendy's drive-thru, a man shouted, “Jesus is Lord!” only to be met with the swift retort, “Sir, this is a Wendy’s.” Witnesses report the drive-thru attendant remained unfazed, suggesting that he “try the smaller McDonalds down the street.” Eyewitnesses noted that the man seemed confused, perhaps expecting a heavenly endorsement for his spicy chicken nuggets. The incident has sparked debates on whether fast-food establishments should offer spiritual guidance alongside fries. Meanwhile, Wendy’s has yet to comment on their new slogan: “Where the only thing divine is our Frosty.”

“I thought we were electing the chosen ones, not just choosing candidates!” laments bewildered believer Springfield, USA — Tim “The Elect” Thompson, a fresh convert to Calvinism, was left scratching his head this week after realizing that election season is not the month-long celebration of Reformed theology he had imagined. “I thought it would be like Reformation Day, complete with parades and reenactments of Martin Luther nailing his theses to a door,” Thompson explained, wearing a T-shirt that reads “Predestined for Greatness.” “Instead, I got bombarded with political ads and debates about taxes!” His excitement turned to confusion when he discovered that “election season” meant choosing candidates, not electing theological heroes. “I even baked cookies shaped like tulips!” he lamented. “Turns out no one wants to discuss sola scriptura when there are yard signs for ‘Vote for Bob!’ everywhere.” In an attempt to salvage his Reformation-themed dreams, Thompson proposed a potluck where ...