Southern Baptists Courageously Protect Women From the Danger of Having Authority

Leaders confirm the best way to honor women is to keep them safely away from microphones, decisions, and anything resembling influence

In a bold reaffirmation of centuries-old tradition, the Southern Baptist Convention has once again taken a firm stand against the growing threat of women accidentally leading things.

At their annual meeting, church leaders voted to reinforce a ban on female pastors, citing a deep commitment to biblical values, historical precedent, and a strong suspicion of women holding clipboards.

“We just believe in order,” said one delegate, adjusting his tie while explaining that men are divinely called to lead, and women are divinely called to support that leadership—preferably from a tasteful distance. “It’s not about inequality. It’s about… very specific roles. Extremely specific. Unchangeably specific.”

Supporters of the decision emphasized that the policy is rooted in Scripture, though interpretations appear to have been carefully curated over time to align with a leadership structure that has remained impressively consistent since the invention of indoor plumbing.

Critics have pointed out that women in the Bible occasionally held positions of influence, leadership, and prophecy. However, convention representatives reassured attendees that those instances were clearly “exceptions,” and that modern women should not be distracted by such anomalies.

“We take the whole Bible seriously,” said another spokesperson, before clarifying that some parts are to be taken more seriously than others, especially the ones that conveniently reinforce existing power structures.

In an effort to further honor women, several churches announced expanded opportunities for female involvement, including organizing potlucks, decorating fellowship halls, and leading children’s programs—areas widely recognized as both spiritually significant and safely non-threatening.

“We’re not limiting women,” one pastor explained. “We’re empowering them to flourish within carefully defined boundaries that we have thoughtfully designed for them.”

Meanwhile, younger church members have expressed confusion over the decision, noting that many women already serve as leaders in business, education, and government. Convention leaders responded by reminding them that the church is not the world—and therefore has no obligation to keep up with it.

At press time, officials confirmed they are also forming a committee to ensure women do not accidentally experience calling, gifting, or competence in ways that could complicate future votes.