PCUSA Debates Monogamy; Gets Invited to Join the LDS

“We Would Never,” Leaders Say, While Gesturing Broadly at Several Volumes of Historical Precedent

Salt Lake Temple, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

In response to the Presbyterian Church (USA)’s ongoing debates over whether monogamy is, in fact, more of a “guideline than a rule,” leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints released a statement this week that experts are describing as “technically restrained, but spiritually… suggestive.”

The statement, titled “On the Matter of Historical Enthusiasm,” reaffirmed that the LDS Church does not practice polygamy, has not practiced polygamy, and would like to be very clear that it is absolutely not practicing polygamy—before proceeding to devote several paragraphs to the rich theological, logistical, and, at times, “deeply character-building” history of having done exactly that.

“We wish to emphasize that plural marriage is a concluded chapter,” the statement read, adding, “though one whose lessons remain available for those currently discovering them for the first time, often with admirable confidence.”

Church officials also extended an invitation to PCUSA leadership for what they described as “a friendly, entirely hypothetical exchange of insights,” particularly regarding “the moment when a conceptual rethinking of relationships becomes a shared Google calendar with doctrinal implications.”

Observers noted a subtle but persistent tone throughout the statement that stopped just short of encouragement while somehow circling it repeatedly.

“It’s fascinating,” said one religious studies professor. “They’re saying, ‘We do not endorse this,’ in the same way someone might say, ‘I no longer eat dessert,’ while slowly handing you a fork.”

The LDS statement further reassured readers that modern church practice remains firmly monogamous, even as it acknowledged that “questions of relational structure have, historically, demonstrated a certain tendency to… reappear in moments of theological creativity.”

Unofficially, one LDS spokesperson was overheard remarking, “We did not expect to be the ones telling another church to maybe take this slow,” before reportedly adding, after a pause, “though we do appreciate the initiative.”

At press time, PCUSA committees confirmed they were reviewing the statement carefully, describing it as “unexpectedly helpful, mildly ominous, and containing what may be either a cautionary tale or a very polite ‘good luck.’”