Skip to main content

Homeschooled Child Concerned About Weird Public School Kids

 Sources say the young theologian confidently critiques paganism, secular humanism, evolutionary biology, and socialism based on three documentaries and one co-op discussion.




AUTSIN —  The neighborhood was reportedly thrown into mild confusion this week after a homeschooled child, firmly grounded in conservative Christian teaching, concluded that public school students are, in fact, weird. The statement was delivered with the unshakable calm of someone who can recite memory verses, outline a basic Christian worldview, and has only ever seen locker-lined hallways in movies.

According to observers, the child arrived at this conclusion after hearing that public school kids learn about “all kinds of gods,” discuss secular humanism, accept atheistic evolutionary biology as “just science,” and treat soft socialism like a group project with extra steps. “So they don’t even start with ‘In the beginning, God’?” the child reportedly asked, eyes wide with the kind of alarm usually reserved for house fires and bad theology.

Parents say the child’s confidence is understandable. At home, the foundation is clear: God made the world, truth is objective, humans are sinful and need a Savior, and history is not a random accident but the unfolding of providence. Against this backdrop, the public school descriptions sounded less like education and more like an ongoing elective in “Creative Alternatives to Reality.” “They learn about Greek gods like it’s normal,” the child allegedly explained. “Then they say people came from no God at all. That’s a lot of options for something that’s supposed to be true.”

The child’s introduction to these ideas has been mostly secondhand: a unit study on worldviews, a few carefully paused nature videos, and one co-op lesson that included the phrase “secular humanism” followed by a very long family discussion. Still, it was enough. “Public school kids think they’re just neutral,” the child concluded. “But if you don’t start with God, you’re starting with something else. That’s weird.”

Experts in homeschool sociology note that this is a familiar developmental stage: first the child learns the Bible story, then they learn the word “worldview,” and finally they begin applying it to every kid who has ever taken a standardized test. Public school children, for their part, often suspect homeschooled kids are equally strange for bringing up metaphysics during lunch, which ensures both sides remain mildly bewildered by the other’s “normal.”

At press time, the homeschooled child was reportedly outlining a full critique of pagan spirituality, secular humanism, atheistic evolution, and socialism in a notebook labeled “Compare: Bible vs. Everything Else,” despite having never once had to change classes when a bell rang.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dave Ramsey Flags Reformation Heritage Books as “Spiritual Treasure, Budgetary Trap”

Financial guru says the Puritans are great, but maxing out your credit card for a 12‑volume set on covenant theology is not a “baby step.” NASHVILLE — Personal finance icon Dave Ramsey has reportedly issued a pointed caution to Christians everywhere: Reformation Heritage Books is a spiritual danger to your budget, and one careless click on “Complete Works of John Owen” could slide you straight back into the “debt spiral” he has spent decades trying to prevent. According to sources familiar with the matter, the warning came during a segment on “biblically responsible spending,” when a caller asked whether it was wise to purchase a multi‑volume set of Reformed classics on a credit card. “Look,” Ramsey reportedly replied, “I love the Puritans. I love deep theology. I do not love you going into debt for a book you will read six pages of before you fall asleep.” Ramsey’s team is said to have flagged Reformation Heritage Books not because the content is bad, but because the catalog is long, ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Church Sound Tech Gets Doom Running On Sanctuary Soundboard

Volunteer says the game is fully contained on the mixer’s tiny touchscreen and has not affected worship, apart from the pastor’s microphone now occasionally displaying “God Mode.” CEDAR GROVE, USA — A Reformed church’s sound technician briefly became the most popular member of the media team Sunday after successfully getting the original Doom to run on the sanctuary’s digital soundboard. The game remained entirely on the console’s maintenance screen, church leaders confirmed, and no imagery or game audio was played through the sanctuary speakers. The soundboard still delivered the sermon, psalms, Scripture reading, and announcements normally—provided nobody pressed the newly labeled button marked DO NOT ENABLE GOD MODE DURING CALL TO WORSHIP. Doom, released by id Software in 1993, became both a landmark first-person shooter and a longstanding target for technical hobbyists who enjoy making it run on improbable hardware.  Digital audio mixers are also common in worship settings, whe...
Post a Comment
Read more

Shane & Shane’s Newest Partnership: Slayer

Bethel Music Out, “Reign in Worship” Begins In a shocking turn of events, the popular Christian worship duo Shane and Shane responded to the public backlash and have announced that they are canceling their planned collaboration with Bethel music, citing "creative differences" and "theological concerns". Instead, they have revealed that they are partnering with the legendary thrash metal band Slayer for a new album and tour. "We feel that Slayer is a better fit for our vision and message," said Shane Barnard, one half of the duo. "They are passionate, authentic, and not afraid to challenge the status quo. We share a lot of common ground with them, especially on topics like sin, judgment, and the end times." Shane Everett, the other half of the duo, added: "We have always admired Slayer's musical prowess and lyrical depth. They are masters of their craft and have influenced generations of metalheads. We are honored to join forces with them...
Post a Comment
Read more