Non-Denominational Man Realizes the Creed Has Been Saying “Catholic” the Whole Time

 Sources say he thought “Catholic” meant “universal” until someone explained the rest.

OMAHA — In a development that has already sent ripples through the interdenominational fog of modern evangelical identity, one non-denominational Christian reportedly converted to Roman Catholicism this week after encountering the line “I believe in the holy Catholic Church” in the Apostles’ Creed and concluding that it meant exactly what it sounded like.

According to friends, the man had recited the Creed for years with the general confidence of someone who believes doctrine is best handled through ambiance and a decent audio setup. But during one recent service, the phrase “holy Catholic Church” apparently landed with the force of a hidden clause in a lease agreement, prompting him to believe he had, all this time, been accidentally refusing membership in something ancient, global, and inconveniently specific.

“He thought it meant the church was just Catholic in the broad, ‘universal’ sense,” said one witness. “Then somebody explained that it also very much means the Roman Catholic Church exists, has a bishop of Rome, and does not consider itself a metaphor.” The witness added that the man’s face changed immediately from casual worship confusion to the expression of someone who has just discovered there may be a lot more church history than he budgeted for.

The conversion reportedly accelerated after he began asking questions about sacraments, authority, apostolic succession, and whether the phrase “I believe” was supposed to be taken as a confession or an enrollment packet. Within hours, he had moved from “I like all traditions equally” to “actually, I’ve been reading Augustine and now I have opinions about the Mass.”

Friends say the turning point came when he realized that being non-denominational had mostly meant he was denominational in practice, just without the courtesy of admitting it. “He always talked like he was above labels,” said one acquaintance, “which is how we knew this would end with him discovering liturgy and acting like he invented continuity.”

Roman Catholic apologists, meanwhile, welcomed the new convert with the sort of warm satisfaction usually reserved for people who have finally stopped saying “I’m spiritual but not religious.” One priest reportedly observed that many modern Christians are only one Creed away from realizing the Church has been around the whole time and did not begin in a podcast studio.

At press time, the man was said to be attending RCIA, asking respectful but alarming questions about saints, and telling friends that he “just wanted a more historic expression of the faith,” which is the classic phrase of someone who has already begun buying candles and reading councils.