Vacation Bible School Exposed as Highly Suspicious Child-Sized Theology Program

 Critics say the program dangerously suggests that children are sinners, Christ is welcoming them, and Scripture means what it says.

The annual Vacation Bible School at First Church reportedly drew sharp criticism this week after organizers were accused of introducing children to a range of offensive concepts, including that Jesus loves them, that they should come to him, and that the kingdom of heaven belongs to those who receive it like children.

Sources familiar with the matter said the trouble began when the children were heard singing “Jesus Loves Me” with the kind of confidence that tends to unsettle those who prefer a less explicit theology. Matters worsened when “Father Abraham” was introduced, reportedly causing concern that the program had crossed from harmless entertainment into full-blown biblical catechesis.

One observer described the curriculum as “thinly disguised paedobaptist propaganda,” though others noted that the actual offense appeared to be the assumption that Christ’s invitation to children might apply to children. In at least one Gospel account, Jesus explicitly told the disciples, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven”. He also said that anyone who would enter the kingdom must receive it like a child. According to the church’s more adventurous theologians, this was not a metaphor for being cute.

Church leaders defended the program as standard Christian instruction, which appears to be another way of saying they taught the Bible to children and expected the Bible to survive the encounter. “We told them Jesus welcomes children because he does,” said one volunteer. “We also told them they are not the center of the universe, which may have been the more controversial lesson.”

Critics remained unimpressed, arguing that the entire event was suspiciously geared toward producing young believers who think they are loved by Christ, should trust him, and may in fact already belong to him in some meaningful covenantal sense. One opponent called the program “dangerously effective,” adding that it used songs, memory verses, and cheerful illustrations to smuggle in doctrines some people spend years trying to unlearn.

At press time, the children were reportedly still singing, still memorizing Scripture, and still demonstrating the sort of childlike receptivity that Jesus seemed to commend and some adults continue to find deeply unsettling.