Heaven Begins Recruiting Border Agents Ahead Of Construction Of New Jerusalem’s “Big Beautiful Wall”

Officials say the project cannot begin until Christ’s return, but staffing, pearl-gate logistics, and divine-background-check procedures must be ready well in advance.

HEAVENLY REALM — Heaven announced an advance recruitment campaign Thursday for Customs and Border Protection officers and Border Patrol agents to assist with future operations at the New Jerusalem, pending the Second Coming and completion of its famously large, high wall.

Revelation 21 describes the New Jerusalem as possessing a great, high wall, twelve gates, and angels stationed at those gates; it also says nothing unclean enters the city, only those whose names are written in the Lamb’s Book of Life. Heavenly officials stressed that the city has not yet descended and its wall is not currently under construction, but said “responsible eschatological planning does not begin after the trumpet sounds.”

“We are not saying the angels require help,” said a fictional heavenly recruiter. “We are saying that a twelve-gate arrivals system needs a serious operational plan, clear signage, and someone prepared to answer the question, ‘Where do I declare my crown?’”

Sources say talks are underway between the Heavenly Realm and the White House to study the logistics of the federally funded “Big Beautiful Wall” along the U.S.–Mexico border. The One Big Beautiful Bill Act allocated $46.5 billion for construction and completion of the border-barrier system, with DHS projecting completion of the primary border wall in late 2027.

“Heaven is very interested in learning from America’s experience,” said one celestial project manager. “Particularly how to build a wall so significant that everyone immediately understands it is not merely decorative, while also maintaining gates that admit the people lawfully entitled to enter.”

The consultant reportedly asked whether New Jerusalem’s wall would use steel bollards, reinforced concrete, or “something more eternal.”

“Jasper,” replied the angel.

“And the gates?”

“Pearls.”

The consultant paused, then asked whether the city had considered cameras, motion sensors, and floodlights.

“There is no night there,” said the angel.

He then quietly wrote, “Lighting requirements: unclear.”

Applicants were reminded that their job will not be to determine salvation, alter the Lamb’s Book of Life, or take credit for the city’s security.

“You may help direct the line,” the recruiter said. “But the Lamb has already completed the final inspection.”

At press time, White House officials had proposed that the project be called the Big Beautiful Blessed Wall, while angels clarified that all names, measurements, and architectural specifications had already been settled in Revelation.

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