“My body is a temple,” believer says, “and I simply felt the temple needed larger pillars.”
**Satire disclaimer:** This is fictional satire, not medical advice. Do not use, seek, buy, or self-administer HGH for spiritual growth, bodybuilding, athletic performance, or any other unapproved purpose. Consult a qualified medical professional about any health concern.
TULSA, OK — Local Christian man Brett Halvorsen has reportedly begun taking human growth hormone in hopes of achieving what he calls “measurable spiritual growth,” after concluding that his prayer life had plateaued because his shoulders were “not yet broad enough to bear the weight of glory.”
“I have been reading Scripture,” Halvorsen said, flexing gently beneath a church softball jersey. “The body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. So I thought, if I improve the temple, perhaps the Spirit will have more room to work.”
Paul tells believers that their bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit and that they should glorify God with their bodies. Halvorsen said he found the passage “deeply convicting,” especially the part he had apparently interpreted as a recommendation to develop “sanctified deltoids.”
“I’m not doing this for vanity,” he explained. “I’m doing it because Samson received supernatural strength from the Spirit of the Lord. David killed Goliath. Elijah outran a chariot. I am simply asking the Lord to help me bench two plates while remaining humble.”
In Judges, Samson’s extraordinary feats are associated with the Spirit of the Lord coming powerfully upon him—not with supplements, injections, or a pre-workout called *Philistine Crusher*.
Halvorsen’s men’s Bible study expressed concern after he replaced the group’s opening prayer with an eight-minute monologue about “progressive overload as a means of grace.”
“He keeps asking us, ‘Do you even lift—His name on high?’” said fellow member Aaron Price. “At first we laughed. Then he made us do lunges while reciting the Apostles’ Creed. I pulled something during ‘He descended into hell.’”
HGH is a prescription drug approved for limited medical conditions; it is not FDA-approved for bodybuilding, anti-aging, or athletic enhancement, and nonmedical use may carry serious risks.
Halvorsen insisted that he had conducted “extensive theological research” before starting his regimen.
“I listened to three sermons on stewardship, read one article about Samson, and watched a 47-minute testimony from a Christian fitness influencer named Bulk 3:16,” he said. “The evidence is overwhelming.”
His pastor, Rev. Dale McIntyre, has attempted to redirect Halvorsen toward ordinary spiritual disciplines.
“Spiritual growth comes through God’s grace, Scripture, prayer, worship, repentance, fellowship, and obedience,” McIntyre said. “It does not come from turning the sanctuary coat closet into a supplement cabinet.”
At press time, Halvorsen had announced a new men’s fellowship workout called “Sola Fide, Sola Five-By-Five,” while assuring participants that no one would be permitted to leave until they had achieved “the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding—and a clean 225-pound bench press.”
**Satire disclaimer:** Again, this is satire and not medical or legal advice. HGH should be used only when lawfully prescribed and medically supervised for an approved condition. Spiritual formation is not improved by unsupervised hormone use.
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