“They affirm bodily resurrection,” he says. “That is literally the opposite direction.”
UNDISCLOSED SPIRITUAL REALM — A local Gnostic issued a strongly worded complaint Thursday after several anti-Calvinist commentators repeatedly compared his religious system to Reformed theology, an association he described as “intellectually careless and personally humiliating.”
Basilides “Secret Knowledge” Pleromason said he first noticed the problem while watching an online debate in which a critic called Calvinism “basically Gnosticism.”
“Basically?” Pleromason asked. “I have an elaborate cosmology, an inferior creator, and a spiritual escape plan. They have a publicly available confession and a fellowship meal. Where, precisely, is the overlap?”
Gnosticism encompasses diverse ancient movements, many of which distinguished an inferior creator from a higher divine reality and understood salvation as awakening to one’s spiritual origins. Reformed confessions instead affirm the goodness of God’s original creation, salvation through Christ, and bodily resurrection.
Pleromason said he initially assumed the Calvinists were hiding their actual teachings behind a respectable exterior.
“I asked where they kept the secret revelation,” he explained. “They handed me a Bible and said their sermon recordings were free. One man offered to explain the entire system over coffee. This is catastrophic operational security.”
His visit to a Reformed Baptist congregation only deepened his resentment.
“They read Genesis and called creation ‘very good,’” he said. “Then they prayed for the sick to recover physically. I kept waiting for someone to explain that embodiment was the problem. Instead, they announced a church picnic.”
The congregation’s pastor reportedly attempted to clarify the difference between moral corruption and material existence.
“He said total depravity does not mean flesh, bones, and sandwiches are intrinsically evil,” Pleromason recalled. “Apparently, the problem is sin. You cannot build a respectable cosmic escape system around that.”
Some online critics nevertheless insisted that Calvinism’s doctrine of election proved the connection.
“They believe some people are saved and others are not,” one commentator explained.
Pleromason stared at him.
“So do you. That is not a cosmology.”
Another critic argued that Calvinists claim special insight into Scripture.
“Having strong opinions about Romans 9 is not the same as possessing secret knowledge of your divine origins,” Pleromason replied. “Their pastor spent forty-five minutes explaining his interpretation to anyone who walked in. Mine requires considerably more mystery and considerably less PowerPoint.”
The final rupture came when Pleromason discovered the congregation’s teaching on the resurrection. The 1689 Baptist Confession explicitly affirms that the dead will rise with their own bodies, reunited with their souls.
“They want their bodies back,” he said, visibly distressed. “I cannot emphasize this enough: they want their bodies back. I am trying to escape the building, and these people are announcing a renovation.”
Pleromason has since asked participating Provisionist and Arminian polemicists to find a different insult.
“You may disagree with Calvinism,” he said. “But please disagree with something Calvinists actually believe. I have spent years rejecting their Creator-creature distinction, their doctrine of creation, and their bodily resurrection. I deserve the courtesy of being recognized as a completely different heretic.”
At press time, Pleromason had filed a formal complaint alleging unauthorized theological association. Calvinists offered to discuss it at their next public Bible study, prompting him to reply, “Again with the public knowledge.”
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