“I’m not avoiding the text,” he explains. “I’m approaching it from a higher interpretive framework.”
SUBURBAN AMERICA — A local theologian has preordered a Tesla Roadster after determining that the most efficient way to reconcile Scripture with his existing convictions is to perform an aerial somersault over every passage that threatens them.
Dr. Wesley Context, whose forthcoming commentary promises to let the Bible speak for itself “within reasonable doctrinal limits,” said the purchase would significantly improve his exegetical workflow.
“For years, I’ve relied on verbal gymnastics,” Context explained. “It was time to invest in the equipment.”
The vehicle will reportedly feature a custom navigation system that detects approaching difficulties and announces, “In three hundred feet, consider the historical context.”
If the passage remains troublesome after historical context has been considered, the system recommends a flip.
“It’s especially useful when an entire paragraph keeps saying what a single verse appeared to say,” Context noted. “At that point, driving around it starts to look evasive.”
His first planned route runs through John 6, Ephesians 1, and Romans 9, with charging stops scheduled wherever a commentary offers three mutually incompatible explanations he finds equally acceptable.
“I’m open to any interpretation,” he said, “provided it doesn’t require changing mine.”
According to his research assistant, Context initially requested a vehicle capable of handling isolated proof texts. The specifications expanded after someone suggested reading the surrounding chapters.
“He thought he needed to clear a speed bump,” the assistant explained. “Then we showed him the rest of the road.”
A demonstration of the proposed navigation software encountered difficulties when Context entered “the whole counsel of God” as his destination while selecting “Avoid Uncomfortable Passages.”
The system calculated briefly before recommending that he remain in the driveway.
Context dismissed the result as excessively literal.
“The software needs to distinguish between what the text says and what the author would have said if he’d understood my concerns.”
His Calvinist colleague, Dr. Gideon Decree, initially praised the purchase as a devastating illustration of theological bias.
Enthusiasm reportedly diminished when the navigation system flagged several passages in his own teaching notes.
“Those aren’t obstacles,” Decree clarified. “Those are mysteries.”
Context immediately requested the same setting.
Both scholars subsequently agreed that Scripture must remain the final authority, although negotiations continued over which passages would be permitted to exercise it.
A local pastor suggested that either man could save considerable money by reading slowly, considering opposing arguments fairly, and allowing the text to correct his conclusions.
Context asked whether that approach came with an ejector seat.
At press time, he had added autonomous interpretation to his order, allowing the vehicle to reach his preferred conclusion before he encountered the passage.
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