“They got America in the name. Excellent start. Everything after that needs a very serious review.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump appointed Marco Rubio to the newly created position of Chief Reformer Wednesday, directing him to investigate the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.) and determine whether its theology could be restored without first creating another committee.
“The name has tremendous potential,” Trump explained. “Presbyterian Church, U.S.A. You’ve got church. You’ve got America. Then you look at the liberal theology and say, ‘What happened? Who approved this?’”
Rubio received a briefing folder containing the Westminster Confession, a denominational organizational chart, and a handwritten instruction reading, “FIX BEFORE REFORMATION DAY.”
The president singled out the denomination’s policies permitting same-sex marriages and the ordination of people in same-gender relationships, positions the PC(USA) officially allows while preserving certain decisions for its ministers and governing bodies.
“They call it mutual forbearance,” Trump said. “You’ve got people teaching opposite things, both getting approved. Very inefficient. At least one of those committees is unnecessary.”
Asked what qualified Rubio to oversee Presbyterian reform, Trump praised his willingness to accept additional responsibilities.
“Marco understands foreign affairs. He understands difficult negotiations. Now he’s going to understand why a presbytery needs seven meetings to tell someone what it believes.”
An aide quietly noted that Rubio is Catholic.
“Good,” Trump replied. “An outside consultant.”
“While You’re There, Check On The CRCNA”
The assignment expanded when Trump discovered a second folder labeled “Christian Reformed Church in North America.”
“North America,” he observed. “Bigger territory. Potentially a bigger problem.”
An adviser explained that the CRCNA’s membership in the North American Presbyterian and Reformed Council had been suspended in 1998 and terminated in 2002, following controversy over women’s ordination.
“They got kicked out of NAPARC?” Trump asked. “How do you get kicked out of an organization where everyone already agrees there should be church discipline?”
He immediately instructed Rubio to investigate whether the denomination was following the PC(USA)’s theological trajectory.
A researcher interrupted to explain that the comparison required qualification: recent CRCNA synods had enforced a traditional sexual ethic and required congregations opposing its confessional position to repent or disaffiliate. The denomination’s own reporting documented dozens of congregations beginning or completing disaffiliation.
“So some of them are applying the brakes?” Trump asked.
“Yes, sir.”
“Excellent. Find those people. Don’t put the people cutting the brake lines in charge of transportation.”
Rubio updated the assignment from “Stop Entire Denomination” to “Determine Which Direction Everyone Is Actually Going.”
The revised document was immediately referred to a committee on ecclesiastical navigation.
Reformation By Executive Order Meets Presbyterian Polity
Rubio’s initial proposal required denominational officers to identify which confessional statements they affirmed, which they rejected, and which they had retained exclusively for anniversary celebrations.
The question produced several requests for clarification and one proposal to replace “affirm” with “remain in conversation with.”
Trump rejected the amendment.
“If you hire someone to guard the building and he says he’s ‘in conversation with the doors,’ you have a security problem.”
PC(USA) representatives objected that the administration was imposing outside political authority on the church.
A local confessional pastor agreed.
“The church needs repentance, faithful preaching, and proper discipline—not a presidential department,” he said.
Trump asked whether those measures could be completed within ninety days.
“No.”
“Sixty, with Marco?”
The pastor also cautioned that putting “America” in a denomination’s name was not a mark of doctrinal faithfulness.
Trump requested a second opinion from someone more enthusiastic about the branding.
Meanwhile, Rubio encountered his first major obstacle when representatives of several conservative Presbyterian bodies expressed support for reform but requested assurance that the federal government would not decide what qualified as Reformed.
He promised to respect their ecclesiastical independence.
They then submitted mutually incompatible recommendations.
By late afternoon, Rubio had negotiated a temporary agreement under which everyone would read the confessions before proposing changes to them.
Observers described the settlement as historic, fragile, and unlikely to survive the discussion of baptism.
At press time, Trump had announced that the operation would restore confessionalism, eliminate theological drift, and produce “the most beautiful ninety-five theses anyone has ever seen.”
Rubio was still explaining that the assignment already had enough theses.
Comments
Post a Comment