The Calvinist Chronicle

The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey, pictured   Popular financial guru Dave Ramsey has just unveiled his latest service to the public - a lending service targeting people who need to free themselves from debt. In an interview with the associated press, Gordon Ramsey proudly said: "I know how costly it can be learning how to save money, and the people who need to take my Financial Peace Planning often can't afford the upfront costs. So now I'm offering another way for people to learn to be smart with their money - by purchasing my overpriced, I mean priceless [sic] lessons!" When asked for specifics, Ramsay stated: "You can sign up for financing and receive all my materials for the low upfront cost of $29.99 a month for 60 months! But wait, there's more! If you buy now, I'll also include my booklet on 'Impulse Spending,' but it's only available while supplies last, so hurry and order your copy today!" Not everyone is happy with the l...

  This past Friday marked an important celebration in church history, especially for Irish Catholics: St Patrick's Day. And how better to celebrate than getting drunk making a traditional meal of corned beef and cabbage? However, this past Friday was also a part of Lent and this year's celebration falls on a Friday, making for a crisis of faith. Corned fish just isn't the same.  For the first time ever, Roman Catholic bishops broke with tradition, allowing for a special "disposition" granting their parishioners a pass from following their man-made rules. Bishop O'Doul from St. Patrick's Cathedral in Manhattan said, "We know that some people really need to earn that penance by abstaining from meat every Friday for 40 days, but we determined that the veneration of St. Patrick is more important. I mean, we commemorate the death of Christ all the time. We have Him perpetually hanging in our cathedrals, and we practically crucify Him every time we take co...

Matt Chandler, the lead pastor of Southern Village Church in Flower Mound, Texas, has shot to the evangelical spotlight in after preaching a sermon in which he proclaims that "You're not David!" to an unsuspecting captive audience. In doing so, however, he inadvertently caused a mass identity crisis among an unlikely, oddly-specific demographic: people who actually are named "David." One person, who commented on the condition of anonymity, said: "I've been called David my whole life. Now that I've been told I'm not David, I don't even know who I am anymore. I've started going by my middle name, but nobody's ever called me "Matthew" before and it's really taking some getting used to. My children look at me like I'm a stranger. My wife says she feels like she's sleeping with another man. I feel like a stranger in my own skin. I'm having an identity crisis. What do I do? We reached out to a local counselor for ...

A man who recently had a log surgically removed from his eye is now free to judge others un-hypocritically. For years, a man named John Smith suffered from an unlikely condition: a tree growing from his eye. And not just any tree, but a Redwood tree normally seen in the forests of northern California.  This unusual condition was initially confused with  Epidermodysplasia verruciformis , the condition of bark-like skin lesions on the skin, but it was later confirmed to be an actual sapling the  Sequoioideae family growing from John's eye. But it didn't say a sapling for long, and in the unique environmentof John's eye it quickly matured into a large tree. As John proudly stated: "...It was a big ol' honkin' redwood. It wasn't really bad at first, but after a while it became really unbearable. I was carrying around this tremendous weight, and it after a while, it became unbearably heavy. But the worst part was, I couldn't even judge anybody. It's pret...

Calvinists Debate Whether Mandalorians Are Apostates Over Baptism In true Reformed fashion, a debate soon broke out after the release of the Disney+ series The Mandalorian's Season 3 opener titled "The Apostate." In this latest episode, a youngling was seen about to become "baptized" into the Mandalorian sect, before the ceremony was interrupted by a gigantic creature apparently trying to consume everyone in attendance. Despite the presence of space wizards, lazer swords, and whales traveling through hyperspace via the Force, many self-proclaimed Calvinists were unable to suspend their disbelief and openly balked at the clear depiction of what's known as "Believer's Baptism" in the dangerous waters of an alien planet in a galaxy far, far away. Some claimed that the young humanoid appeared to have Mandalorian parents or caretakers standing by who they say should have already baptized him as an infant. They went so far as to reference the myster...

Recently Discovered 6th Sola, Point of Calvinism Found Historic manuscripts have just been found which revealed a lost "6th Sola" of the Protestant Reformation. This mysterious 6th Sola is known in the original Latin as "Sola Satura," which translated means "Satire Alone." It is well-known that satire was a common tool of Martin Luther and his contemporaries, as clearly proven by such media as his commentary of John Chrisostomo in "Die Lügend von S. Johanne Chrysostomo," the illustration "Leo X, Murner, Emser, Eck and Lemp as Animals," and others...not to mention the attempts of the Counter-Reformers and Papist sympathizers to brand the actual 95 Theses as amusing satire to those who follow the A̶n̶t̶i̶c̶h̶r̶i̶s̶t̶ Pope. Unsurprisingly, Protestant Reformer and father of the Presbyterian and Dutch Reformed churches John Calvin seemed well aware of these teachings, as previously overlooked writings were recently re-examined in light of th...