The Calvinist Chronicle

“You Might As Well Be Using Scrolls,” Says Man Who Only Scrolls Digitally Modern-Day Miracle: A Bible App RIVERSIDE, CA - A local man who uses the Bible app on his phone has been looking down on the "technological illiterates" who still use printed Bibles, sources confirmed. The man, who identified himself as John Smith, said he prefers the convenience and efficiency of reading the Bible on his smartphone, rather than carrying around a bulky and outdated book. "I don't understand why people still use printed Bibles in this day and age," Smith said. "They are so heavy, slow, and hard to navigate. You have to flip through pages, look up verses in the index, and deal with ink smudges and torn pages. It's like they are living in the Dark Ages. Just because the authors were nomadic shepherds doesn’t mean you have to read like one." Smith said he enjoys the benefits of using the Bible app, such as having access to multiple translations, commentaries, dic...

“Catch a Fade Outside Them Ivory Towers,” Local Man Says Garden Grove, CA - A local man with a GED and a lot of street smarts has been making waves on social media by challenging theologians with M-Div and doctorate degrees to debates on various topics. The man, who goes by the name of "Big D", claims that he has more common sense and real world experience than the "bookworms" who have spent years studying theology and philosophy. "I don't need no fancy degree to know what's right and wrong," Big D said in a recent video. "These theologians are just wasting their time and money on answers to questions that nobody is asking. They don't know nothing about life, they just live in their ivory towers and read books all day." Big D also criticized the theologians for their literary expertise in “books by old dead people,” who he said had no relevance or connection to the modern world. He said that he prefers to read books by living authors,...

Self-Proclaimed "Baptist Reformed" Believers Make Controversial Claim to Be "More Baptist" Because They Baptize Entire Families In a shocking twist of theology, some Reformed Christians have declared themselves to be the "True Baptists" because they baptize entire families, including infants and children. They argue that they are following the biblical pattern of household baptism, which they claim is more faithful to the original meaning of the word "baptize" than the modern practice of individual believer's baptism. "We are more Baptist than the Baptists, because we baptize more people," said Robert Brown, a self-proclaimed "Baptist Reformed" pastor from Geneva, Switzerland. "We don't wait for people to make a personal decision to follow Christ, we just assume that they are part of the covenant community by virtue of their birth. That way, we can ensure that everyone is baptized and saved, even if they don't...

Man Claims He and God “Are Cool” and “Have an Understanding” Bob was a Christian, but he hated going to church. He thought it was boring, tedious, and hypocritical. He preferred to stay at home on Sundays, watch TV, play video games, and order pizza. He didn't care about the sermons, the prayers, the hymns, or the rituals. He believed that he and God were "good", and that he didn't need to do anything else to please Him. One Sunday morning, Bob's mother called him and asked him why he never went to church. She said that it was important to worship God, to fellowship with other believers, and to grow in faith. She said that God was not happy with Bob's lifestyle, and that he needed to repent and change his ways. She invited him to go to church with the rest of the family. Bob rolled his eyes and said, "Mom, don't worry about me. I'm fine. God and I are good. We have a special relationship. He knows my heart. He knows that I love Him. He doesn't...

Skeptic Claims Christians Don't Act Like the "Fictional Character He's Never Even Read About" Screenshot from God of War, Sony A local atheist, who goes by the name of Richard Dawkins Jr., has been ranting on social media about how Christians are not following the teachings of Jesus, even though he himself does not believe in the existence of Jesus or any other deity. Dawkins Jr., who claims to be a rational and scientific thinker, has been posting lengthy and angry comments on various Christian pages, accusing them of being hypocrites, bigots, and ignorant. He says that Christians are not acting like Jesus, who he believes was a pacifist, socialist, and environmentalist. However, when asked by other users if he has ever read the Bible or any other source of information about Jesus, Dawkins Jr. admits that he has not. He says that he does not need to read the Bible, because it is a "book of fairy tales" and "full of contradictions and errors". He s...

Comic Strip from Calvin & Hobbes by Bill Watterson Boom . If you thought that the debate between Calvinism and Arminianism was over, think again. A new movie, titled Calvinheimer, has reignited the controversy with a bang. The film, directed by John Piper and starring John MacArthur as John Calvin, is a fictionalized account of how Calvin dropped a metaphorical bomb on free will theism and made Jacobus Arminius surrender. The movie begins with Calvin's discovery of a secret weapon: the doctrine of predestination. He decides to use it to destroy the Arminian heresy, which he believes is threatening the glory of God and the salvation of the elect. He recruits a team of loyal followers, including Martin Luther, Jonathan Edwards, and Charles Spurgeon, to help him carry out his mission. Meanwhile, Arminius, played by Joel Osteen, is busy spreading his message of universal atonement, resistible grace, and conditional election. He believes that God loves everyone and wants them to be...

A shocking new report by a team of independent researchers has cast doubt on the official narrative of the death of Michael Servetus, the Spanish theologian and physician who was burned at the stake for heresy by Calvinists in Geneva in 1553. The report, titled "The Servetus Conspiracy: How the Reformed Church Covered Up a Murder", claims to have uncovered new evidence that Servetus was actually killed by a hired assassin before his execution, and that his body was swapped with a look-alike to deceive the public. The report cites several sources, including eyewitness accounts, forensic analysis, and historical documents, to support its theory. Some of the key findings are: - Servetus was not present at his trial, but was represented by a lawyer who was secretly working for John Calvin, the leader of the Reformed Church in Geneva. - Servetus was held in a secret location, where he was tortured and poisoned by a professional killer hired by Calvin's allies. - The body that ...