The Calvinist Chronicle

Evangelicals Unsure if Russell Brand's Baptism is Sincere, But Totally Fine With Random Nobodies Finding Jesus ATLANTA, GA - In a shocking display of hypocrisy, evangelical Christians across America are expressing serious doubts about the sincerity of Russell Brand's recent baptism, while simultaneously accepting the faith conversions of countless unknown, non-famous individuals without a second thought. "I just don't know if I buy Russell's whole born-again thing, you know?" said local megachurch pastor Reverend Tad Worthington. "The guy's been a notorious womanizer and drug addict for years. How can we be sure this isn't just another one of his publicity stunts?" However, when asked about the baptisms of several random parishioners at his church that same morning, Worthington seemed far less skeptical. "Oh, those folks? Yeah, their faith seems rock solid. No need to question their motives or sincerity at all," he said, giving a di...

Local Presbyterian Church Launches "Re-Baptism" Program to Correct Immersion Errors ANYTOWN, USA - In a controversial move, the First Presbyterian Church of Anytown has announced a new program to "re-baptize" members of the congregation who were previously baptized by immersion at other churches. "Immersion baptism is simply unbiblical," declared Reverend Percival Fitzwilliam, the senior pastor. "The true symbol of cleansing and renewal is the gentle sprinkling of water from above, not the violent dunking associated with judgment and death." Citing biblical references to the Great Flood, where the wicked were destroyed by being submerged in water, and the Egyptians who drowned in the Red Sea, Fitzwilliam argued that immersion represents a "baptism of condemnation" rather than salvation. "In contrast, the rain that fell on Noah's ark and the Israelites as they crossed the Red Sea was a symbol of God's blessing and purificati...

Piper Defends Male Strippers from Driscoll, Says Faith is "Erotic to the Core" MINNEAPOLIS, MN - In a surprising turn of events, prominent evangelical leader John Piper has come out in defense of male strippers, arguing that their profession is a valid expression of Christian spirituality. The controversy began when fellow pastor Mark Driscoll condemned male strippers as "ungodly" and "a threat to the moral fabric of society." Driscoll's comments sparked outrage among some in the Christian community, including Piper, who quickly rushed to the defense of the much-maligned exotic dancers. "Mark Driscoll clearly has a very narrow and repressed view of human sexuality," Piper told reporters. "As I've said many times, the Christian faith is erotic to the core. God created us as sexual beings, and that includes the male stripper." Piper went on to cite the "Song of Songs" as biblical evidence that God delights in human sensu...

Evangelists in Disarray as They Defend Disgraced Pastor Mark Driscoll After Stronger Men's Conference Debacle SPRINGFIELD, MO - The evangelical community was sent into a tailspin this week after the controversial pastor Mark Driscoll was unceremoniously kicked out of the Stronger Men's Conference in Springfield, Missouri by fellow megachurch leader John Lindell. The incident occurred when Driscoll, known for his fiery sermons and uncompromising views, publicly condemned the performance of a male stripper who was doing a sword-swallowing act during one of the conference sessions.  "I was absolutely appalled by the debauchery and ungodliness on display," Driscoll reportedly shouted from the audience. "This is not what godly manhood is about! We must take a stand against this moral decay!" However, Lindell, the host of the conference and pastor of James River Church, was having none of it. He immediately strode over to Driscoll, grabbed him by the collar, and f...

BREAKING NEWS: Calvanism vs. Calvinism – A Spelling Showdown! By Ima Notsure, Chief Theological Tinkerer In a twist that would make Martin Luther raise an eyebrow (or perhaps a quill), the age-old battle between Calvinism and Free-Will Theism has taken an unexpected turn. Brace yourselves, dear readers, for we're about to witness a spelling showdown of biblical proportions. The Typo Heard 'Round the Seminary (Redux) Meet Professor Cornelius Scribbleton, a staunch advocate for free will, extra whipped cream on his lattes, and the Oxford comma. Armed with a thesaurus and a penchant for mischief, he stood before a bewildered audience. "Ladies and gentlemen," he declared, "I present to you the irrefutable truth: Calvanism is a sham!" The room fell silent. Theologians exchanged puzzled glances. Someone spilled their chai latte. And in the back row, a Presbyterian minister choked on his gluten-free scone. The Accusation (Now with Medical Drama) "But Professor...

…Unless the Dispies Were Wrong (Again) Left Behind: A Practical Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse Redmond, WA — So, you've been left behind. Either the dispensationalists were wrong about the eclipse, or you were too busy binge-watching cat videos during the rapture. Fear not! As the world descends into chaos, here's your step-by-step guide to navigating the great tribulation: 1. Acceptance and Denial First, take a deep breath. You're still here, and that's both a blessing and a curse. Denial is natural. Maybe you're just in a really long line at the celestial DMV, waiting for your turn to ascend. But let's face it: You're stuck on Earth, and the Wi-Fi is terrible. 2. Locate Your Emergency Bunker Remember that walk-in closet you've been using as a storage dump for old shoes and broken dreams? It's now your panic room. Clear out the clutter, stock up on essentials, and make it cozy. Add some motivational posters like "Hang in There, Left-Behinder...

Hell's HR Department Gets a Fiery Makeover *By Powers and Principalities of the Air Correspondent Pandemonium, Underworld — In a shocking turn of events, demons across the fiery realms of Hell have found themselves out of work. The recent increase in California's minimum wage has led to cutbacks in the demonic workforce, leaving many imps, succubi, and hellhounds without a paycheck. As automated temptation takes over, these infernal beings are facing an existential crisis. The former CEO of Hell addressed the press with a heavy heart. "We've always been the backbone of sin," he lamented, adjusting his pitchfork tie. "From whispering forbidden thoughts to politicians to inspiring terrible reality TV shows, we've done it all. But now? Now we're obsolete, like Betamax tapes or AOL CDs." The demon layoffs have hit entry-level imps the hardest. A freshly unemployed tempter shared his frustration. "I've been spreading greed and envy for centur...

When the God Particle Collides with Predestination Algorithms *By Eccentric Correspondent* Oxford, England — Brace yourselves, fellow mortals, for the great atheist-turned-cultural-theologian Richard Dawkins has taken another theological detour. After his recent stint as a "cultural Christian," Dawkins now proudly proclaims himself a "Cultural Calvinist." Yes, you heard it right—the man who once dismissed God as a cosmic fairy now wants to discuss predestination over a cup of chamomile tea. The Dawkins Dilemma: Sovereignty and Sin Dawkins, sporting a tweed jacket and a pocket protector filled with Pascal's Wager cards, sat down for an exclusive interview with the "Unrepentant Sinner" magazine. His agnostic smirk was in full force as he sipped his Earl Grey and adjusted his John Calvin bobblehead. "Look," he began, "I may not believe in a personal deity, but I've always admired the Puritans' fashion sense. Those buckled shoes? Div...

Shocking Revelation Rocks the Reformed Community GRAND RAPIDS, MI - In a stunning turn of events, leaders within the Calvinist community have come forward to admit that they, in fact, do not truly understand the theological system they so ardently defend. "It's true, we don't get it," said Pastor Jeremiah Hardline, a prominent figure in the Reformed world. "If we really grasped the full implications of Calvinism, we'd all be Arminians by now." The admission came during a closed-door meeting of the International Council of the Truly Reformed, where attendees reportedly spent several hours scratching their heads and murmuring, "Wait, what?" "The more we tried to explain it, the more confused we got," lamented Dr. Ulysses Van Predestination, Dean of the Institute for Irresistible Grace. "We realized that the only way someone could genuinely understand Calvinism is if they didn't believe in it." Insiders say the stunning rev...