The Calvinist Chronicle

Reformed Theologians Rush to Revise Rapture Timelines as Presidential Candidates Demonstrate Humanity's Downward Spiral  In a shocking turn of events, the latest presidential debate has left Reformed theologians scrambling to revise their eschatological views. Prominent postmillennialists were seen frantically burning their books and apologizing to their amillennial colleagues after witnessing the spectacle unfold on national television. "I've spent decades arguing for the gradual Christianization of society," lamented Dr. Optimist VanHopeful. "But after seeing those two candidates bicker like toddlers over a juice box for 90 minutes, I'm convinced the world is actually getting worse by the second." The debate, which featured more personal insults than policy discussions, has been hailed as the final nail in the coffin for postmillennial thought. Viewers reported feeling their faith in humanity actively eroding with each passing minute. "I used to b...

“I was blind, but now I see…just how bad my theology was!” man exclaims In a surprising turn of events, local man Bob Smith discovered that his theology was in dire need of correction—thanks to a new pair of reading glasses. After years of misinterpreting Scripture, Bob's new lenses allowed him to read the Bible clearly for the first time. "I always thought 'God helps those who help themselves' was in there somewhere," Bob confessed. "Turns out, it's not! And that's just the tip of the iceberg." Bob's newfound clarity has led to a complete overhaul of his beliefs, particularly those influenced by popular pastors and trendy theological ideas. He was shocked to discover that many catchphrases he'd accepted as biblical truth were actually misinterpretations or not in Scripture at all. "I used to nod along when pastors talked about God being a gentleman who won't violate our free will," Bob chuckled. "But now I see that doe...

When your mighty fortress gets a beachfront upgrade and a sick guitar riff. #HymnMakeover NASHVILLE, TN – In a move that has left both traditionalists and modern worship enthusiasts scratching their heads, contemporary worship artist Jordan "J-Dub" Williams has announced the release of his latest innovation: the "Hymn Chorus Generator 3000." This cutting-edge software promises to breathe new life into classic hymns by adding random water, fire, or weather metaphors, complete with guitar chords for the ultimate worship experience. A Divine Inspiration Williams, known for his chart-topping worship hits like "Oceans of Grace" and "Fire of Faith," claims the idea came to him during a particularly intense prayer session. "I was just strumming my guitar, asking God for inspiration, when it hit me: what if we could make hymns more relatable to today's worshippers by adding some modern flair?" said Williams. "And what's more relata...

 Pastor Confuses Notes With Mother's Day, Celebrating Men Instead of To-Do Lists *Redmond, WA* — In a hilarious twist of fate, the congregation at St. Absurdity's Church found themselves caught in a liturgical limbo this past Sunday. What was meant to be a heartfelt Father's Day sermon turned into a comedy of errors that left fathers scratching their heads and mothers smirking knowingly. The trouble began innocently enough. Pastor Bob, known for his penchant for mixing up holidays, stepped up to the pulpit with a beaming smile. The congregation settled into their pews, expecting the usual platitudes about strong dads, dad jokes, and dad bods. But little did they know, they were about to witness liturgical gymnastics. "Good morning, beloved fathers!" Pastor Bob boomed, his voice echoing through the stained glass windows. "Today, we celebrate you—the unsung heroes of our families. You mow lawns, grill burgers, and occasionally remember where the dishwasher is. ...

When you're really invested in that 4th century church council no one told you about NASHVILLE, TN - Chaos erupted at this year's Southern Baptist Convention as thousands of pastors and church leaders spent hours passionately debating whether to adopt the Nicene Creed, a 4th century doctrinal statement they had absolutely zero understanding of. "I'm sorry, but I cannot affirm this so-called 'Nicene Creed'. It reeks of pagan Catholic mysticism!" bellowed Pastor Bob Hickory, who thought Nicaea was a hotel chain. "How dare you question the authority of this creed decided on by our spiritual ancestors!" shouted Pastor Jeb Clambert, spittle flying, seemingly unaware the Council of Nicaea occurred over 1,600 years ago. The proposal to add the Nicene Creed, which summarizes core Christian beliefs about the Trinity and Christ's divinity, to the SBC's doctrinal statement sparked fierce debate despite most Baptists having no clue what it actually s...

Heaven's Social Media Rewards Program Confirmed by Near-Death Vision PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN - In a shocking revelation that is sure to shake up the theology world, local man Darren Lumbergh claims he experienced a vivid near-death vision that confirmed his life's work of arguing theology on Facebook will be handsomely rewarded in the afterlife. According to Lumbergh, after a freak gasoline fight accident, he temporarily left his body and was transported to the gates of Heaven itself. There, a glowing angelic being was waiting with a radiant smile and an iPad displaying Lumbergh's comprehensive Facebook history. "The angel was literally glowing with divine effervescence," recounted Lumbergh, still visibly shaken by the experience. "He told me 'Well done, good and faithful servant' and showed me a tally of every time I ruthlessly demolished a heretic with iron-clad logic in a Facebook comment thread." The angel then revealed that Lumbergh's heave...

Cage-Stage Calvinist Discovers Free-Will Counterpart in the Wild John, the young Calvinist crusader, had been reveling in his recent victories against the Arminian heretics, secure in his theological superiority. His Twitter feed was a bastion of Reformed theology, adorned with quotes from luminaries like John Piper and R.C. Sproul. Little did he know, a rude awakening awaited him. To John's utter disbelief, from the depths of the internet emerged Karen, a figure cloaked in the shadows of anti-Calvinism, whose zeal burned brighter than a thousand suns. Her opening salvo was a barrage of scathing accusations, each one more audacious than the last. "Thou art a heretic!" she thundered, her fingers furiously typing away. "Thy doctrines are naught but a perversion of the true gospel!" John was taken aback, dumbfounded by the sheer audacity of this attack. He had encountered many opponents before, but never one so brazen, so unyielding in their opposition to the doctr...

Stunned Calvinist Left With No Comeback After Hearing Surprising Verse GRAND RAPIDS, MI - In a stunning turn of events at the annual Tulip Festival Theological Debate, local provisionist Hank Vreeken claims to have utterly stumped his Calvinist opponent by quoting the famous verse John 3:16. "I could see the color just drain from his face," said Vreeken, a retired plumber. "He had no comeback at all. It was like I hit him with a theological nuclear bomb." The verse in question, which reads "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life," has long been considered a silver bullet against the Calvinist doctrine of limited atonement. However, most Calvinists are well-versed in responding to the argument.* Not Herman Van Slooten, Vreeken's opponent. "I've been a Calvinist my whole life, and I'd never actually read that verse before," admitted a v...