The Calvinist Chronicle

When Geneva Meets  Glossolalia San Bernardino, CA – In a surprising turn of events, local Pentecostal worship leader, John "Johnny" Spiritfire, has recently converted to Calvinism and is now known for quoting Romans 9 in a variety of languages. This unexpected transformation has left his congregation both bewildered and amused. From Tongues to TULIP Johnny, who was once renowned for his exuberant expressions of faith and spontaneous outbursts of speaking in tongues, has now embraced the doctrines of grace with the same fervor. "I used to speak in tongues, but now I speak in TULIP," Johnny quipped, referring to the Calvinist acronym for Total Depravity, Unconditional Election, Limited Atonement, Irresistible Grace, and Perseverance of the Saints. Romans 9: The New Tongue The shift became evident during a recent Sunday service when Johnny, instead of his usual charismatic declarations, began quoting Romans 9:16 in Greek, Latin, and even Klingon. "It does not, the...

Libertarian Book Club or Bible Study? In a shocking turn of events, local theonomist and self-proclaimed "Biblical purist" John Calvinson was left flabbergasted this Sunday when he discovered that Ayn Rand, the famed author of "Atlas Shrugged" and "The Fountainhead," did not, in fact, contribute to the Holy Scriptures. Calvinson, who has long advocated for the integration of Rand's objectivist philosophy into his church's teachings, was reportedly seen clutching his well-worn copy of the Bible, frantically flipping through pages in search of Rand's name. "I could have sworn she wrote the Book of Proverbs," he muttered, visibly distressed. The revelation came during a heated Bible study session, where Calvinson attempted to quote Rand's famous line, "The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me," attributing it to the Apostle Paul. His fellow congregants, initially confused, quickly corr...

"She was just a Provisionist in theological shock." In an astonishing turn of events at the Olympic Games, breakdancer Raygun shocked audiences by abandoning her meticulously planned choreography just moments before her performance. The cause? She had just heard the Five Points of Calvinism for the first time. "I thought she was doing a new routine," said one spectator. "Turns out, she was just a Provisionist in theological shock.". Spectators watched in awe as Raygun, originally set to dazzle with her dance routine, instead began to writhe and flop on the ground, her movements resembling a kangaroo in a state of existential contemplation. The revelation of "Total Depravity" had her bouncing across the floor, while "Unconditional Election" prompted a series of unpredictable spins and flips. Onlookers were particularly captivated when Raygun, in a moment of pure improvisation, let out vocalizations akin to a kangaroo's call, each sou...

"The End Is Near—Or Is It Just the End of Ted's Reading List?" **August 20, 2024 — Springfield, USA**   In a shocking development, local theology enthusiast Ted McPherson has completed reading every unread book in his extensive collection, inadvertently ushering in what experts are calling the “Postmillennial Age.” This new era has been humorously dubbed the time when the Gospel is spread to the “four corners of the earth”—which, for Ted, are simply the towering stacks of books on his desk. A Desk of Revelation Witnesses report that Ted's once-chaotic desk has transformed into a shrine of enlightenment. “I was just looking for my stapler,” said his wife, Linda, “but instead found the key to the Kingdom of Heaven—or at least Ted’s interpretation of it.” As he closed the last book, *The Eschatology of the Early Church Fathers*, Ted shouted, “Behold! The Kingdom of God is at hand!” His cat, Augustine, was the only one to applaud. Theological Implications Local pastor Rev...

The Devil You Know Versus the Devil You Don’t In a stunning turn of events, the presidential nominee from the Opposing Party (you know which one) has officially chosen none other than the Devil himself as their running mate.  "The Ultimate Power Couple" Sources say the decision was made after a heated debate over who could bring the most "fire" to the campaign. When asked about the choice, the nominee stated, "Who better to help us navigate the hellish landscape of modern politics than someone who literally knows the ins and outs of the underworld?" Campaign Promises on Fire The campaign slogan, "Vote for Us, or Else!" has already sparked controversy, while the Devil promises to "bring the heat" on key issues like climate change and economic inequality.  Voter Reactions: Divided Opinions Voters are split on this bold choice. Some supporters are thrilled, claiming that the Devil’s charm and charisma will be a game-changer. “He’s not that...

Heavenly Assets Soar as Earthly Stocks Plummet In a shocking turn of events, treasures stored in Heaven have defied earthly economic turmoil, maintaining their value amidst the stock market's dramatic plunge. As the Dow Jones took a nosedive, financial experts on Earth were left scratching their heads, while heavenly investors were busy polishing their crowns. According to Matthew 6:19-21, “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in Heaven…” It seems the celestial economy took this advice to heart, as investments in eternal rewards are proving to be far more reliable than tech stocks or crypto. "Heaven's portfolio is diversified," claimed a heavenly spokesperson. "We focus on eternal treasures—things like love, joy, and peace—rather than fleeting earthly gains." While Wall Street grapples with a 1,000-point drop, the afterlife market is thri...

1689 LBCF Faces 1647 WCF in Controversial Reformed Bout In a shocking turn of events at the 2024 Theological Olympics, the 1689 London Baptist Confession of Faith (LBCF) has claimed a controversial victory over the 1647 Westminster Confession of Faith (WCF) in the hotly contested "Reformed Heavyweight" division. Spectators were left bewildered as the LBCF, despite its questionable Reformed credentials, managed to secure the win not through theological prowess, but through sheer popularity. The LBCF, representing the Baptist corner, entered the theological arena with a swagger that belied its historically precarious position in Reformed circles. Its opponent, the venerable WCF, stood firm with centuries of Reformed tradition behind it. As the bell rang, onlookers expected a fierce debate on covenant theology and sacraments. Instead, they witnessed a surprising shift in judging criteria. The LBCF's victory, it turns out, was largely due to the overwhelming presence of Bapti...