Man Declares He Has Free Will, Immediately Floats Away From Earth

“I reject every external constraint on my choices,” he announced shortly before discovering gravity had been holding him down without his consent.

PORTLAND, OR — Local man Kevin Drew announced Monday that he had finally embraced true free will, rejecting the idea that any outside force could determine his actions.

“I am not controlled by my past, my nature, my circumstances, God, society, biology, or any invisible force whatsoever,” Drew said. “I am completely free.”

Moments later, he rose three feet above his kitchen floor.

At first, Drew assumed he was experiencing a spiritual breakthrough. But as he continued drifting toward the ceiling fan, he began to suspect that rejecting all external forces had created an unforeseen problem.

“Gravity is obviously determinism,” Drew said, clutching a light fixture. “It is constantly acting on me from outside myself. If I accept gravity, then I am admitting that I do not have absolute autonomy.”

Gravity is the force of attraction between masses and is what holds people and objects near Earth’s surface. Drew said that sounded exactly like the kind of “coercive framework” from which he was trying to escape.

His roommate attempted to help by offering him a broom handle.

“No,” Drew replied, slowly rotating above the dining table. “If I grab that, I will be depending on something other than my own will.”

Philosophers commonly use “compatibilism” to describe the view that free will can coexist with determinism rather than requiring freedom from every cause or constraint. Drew dismissed the concept as “a compromise designed by people who are afraid to float.”

By noon, he had drifted out an open second-story window and was moving gradually toward a nearby power line.

“Tell everyone I chose this,” he shouted. “I am not being pulled in any direction whatsoever!”

At press time, Drew had begun requesting prayer that the wind would respect his autonomy.

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