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John Calvin Orders Stuart Smalley Burned At Stake For “Heretical” Daily Affirmations

Reformer says “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me” contradicts total depravity, unconditional election; Smalley calls it “stinkin’ thinkin’” from the pulpit.





GENEVA, 1553 — John Calvin ordered the comedian and self-help guru Stuart Smalley to be burned at the stake Tuesday after determining that Smalley’s daily affirmations—particularly the phrase “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me”—constituted heretical opposition to the doctrines of total depravity and unconditional election.

Smalley, known for mirror-work exercises and catchphrases like “That’s just stinkin’ thinkin’!” had been summoned to Geneva after publishing a pamphlet titled “Daily Affirmations for the Predestined: You’re Okay, Even If You’re Not Elect.”

Calvin, who had recently overseen the execution of Michael Servetus for denying the Trinity and infant baptism, said Smalley’s teachings were “equally dangerous, if more annoying.”
“To say ‘I’m good enough’ is to deny the radical corruption of human nature,” Calvin said from the pulpit of St. Pierre Cathedral. “To say ‘doggone it, people like me’ is to suggest that man has inherent worth apart from the electing grace of God. This is not therapy. This is Pelagianism with a mirror.”

Smalley, granted a brief hearing before the Geneva Council, attempted to defend his affirmations as “tools for shame reduction” and “biblical reminders of identity in Christ.”
“I’m not saying we save ourselves,” Smalley told the council, adjusting his cardigan and looking into a small hand mirror. “I’m saying we’re not as bad as we think. That’s just stinkin’ thinkin’! Trace it, face it, and erase it!”

Calvin responded by citing total depravity, arguing that “every part of man is affected by sin, and apart from enabling grace, he is morally unable to choose God.”

The Geneva Council sentenced Smalley to death by burning, despite Calvin’s request that he be executed by decapitation as a “less painful alternative.”

Smalley, reportedly unmoved by the sentence, used his final statement to deliver one last affirmation.

“I am a human being, not a human doing,” he said, looking directly at Calvin. “And even if you burn me, I’m still good enough, I’m still smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.”

Calvin, unmoved, replied, “People may like you. God does not. Not unless He has elected you. And your affirmations suggest He elects based on foreseen worthiness. That is heresy.”

At press time, Smalley was reportedly being led to the stake outside Geneva, where a copy of his pamphlet was to be chained to his leg, “so that all may see the error of self-affirmation and return to the doctrines of grace.”

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