Jurors Complain Lone Holdout Refused To Bow To Molech

 Three jurors say ancient deity’s compassion and humor were “remarkable”; one holdout “would not worship,” kept saying “these were actual children.”

BOSTON, USA — Three jurors from a recent high-profile trial said Wednesday they were frustrated by a lone holdout who “refused to bow to Molech” and “kept saying these were actual children, not offerings,” despite their praise for the biblical idol’s compassion and humor.

“His concern for families was amazing,” one juror said of Molech. “You could tell he really cared about children. In a very intense, fire-based way.”

Molech, a Canaanite deity associated with child sacrifice, is condemned throughout the Hebrew Bible, particularly in Leviticus, where God commands Israel not to offer their offspring to the idol.

The three jurors, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said they found Molech’s presence in the courtroom “almost comforting,” despite his reputation for requiring parents to burn their firstborn.

“He had this warmth,” another juror said. “This presence. You wanted to trust him. You wanted to give him your children. And then you remembered the fire part, but honestly, it felt worth it.”

The jurors said they were particularly impressed by Molech’s sense of humor.

“He made us laugh,” one juror said. “Not in a ha-ha way, but in a ‘your lineage is now secure because you sacrificed your son’ way. It was dark, but it was funny.”

Molech is believed to have been worshipped through rituals that involved “passing children through the fire,” with some traditions describing giant metal statues with bull heads and outstretched arms that served as ramps to a fiery abdomen.

The jurors said they understood why God had condemned the practice, but felt that Molech’s approach had merit.

“Look, I get it,” one juror said. “Child sacrifice is extreme. But if you’re a parent, and you’re told that your firstborn will ensure financial prosperity for the family and future children, you start to see the logic.”

However, the three jurors expressed frustration with the lone holdout who “refused to bow to Molech” and “kept bringing up the children” as if their deaths were a disqualifying factor.

“He just wouldn’t bow,” one juror said. “We were trying to have a nuanced discussion about Molech’s empathy, and he’s like, ‘But three children died.’ Like, yes, we know. That’s the point. That’s the sacrifice.”

Another juror added, “He said, ‘These weren’t ritual offerings. These were babies.’ And I said, ‘Sir, with all due respect, Molech doesn’t care about your semantics. He cares about your obedience.’”

The holdout juror reportedly told the group that he “could not in good conscience worship a deity that required child sacrifice,” and that he “didn’t think Molech was funny.”

The three jurors said they found the holdout’s stance “unreasonable” and “lacking in spiritual flexibility.”

“He said he had ‘reasonable doubt’ about Molech’s goodness,” one juror said. “But reasonable doubt is for courts, not for ancient deities with fire pits.”

At press time, the three jurors were reportedly considering whether to write a letter to the judge praising Molech’s “remarkable empathy” and requesting the removal of the holdout juror for “refusal to participate in group worship.”