Mysterious Buyer Named Michael Archangel Purchases Los Angeles Angels, Vows To “Resurrect” Franchise

New owner says he was tired of the team giving his kind a bad name and has limitless resources available for a complete rebuild.

ANAHEIM, CA — The Los Angeles Angels were reportedly sold Tuesday to a mysterious buyer who identified himself only as Michael Archangel, immediately prompting concern among baseball reporters that the franchise’s next owner may possess unusually strong opinions about heavenly branding.

The Los Angeles Angels (of Anaheim) have faced recurring calls from fans for owner Arte Moreno to sell, although Moreno said earlier this year that he was not actively seeking a sale.

Michael Archangel offered only one statement after acquiring the club.

“I was tired of the baseball team giving my ‘kind’ a bad name,” he said. “With limitless resources at my disposal, I intend to resurrect it.”

Michael is identified in Jude as “the archangel,” and Revelation 12 depicts Michael and his angels fighting against the dragon. The buyer declined all follow-up questions, including whether “limitless resources” meant a higher payroll, a better farm system, or an army of celestial scouts capable of locating pitchers with an earned-run average below 4.50.

Team officials said the new owner’s first decision was to eliminate the phrase “rebuild” from organizational language.

“There will be no rebuilding,” Michael reportedly told the front office. “There will be resurrection.”

He then instructed scouts to seek players with “strong arms, clean fundamentals, and preferably no history of falling apart in the seventh inning.”

At press time, the Angels had announced that their new spring-training motto would be: “Who Is Like God? Also, Please Cover Second Base.”

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