Trump Demands Paul Resign From Pharisees After Discovering His Name Is Also Saul

“He’s writing letters under a different name. Many letters. We have to find out what the Corinthians knew.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump demanded Paul immediately resign from the Pharisees Friday after discovering the apostle had written numerous letters under a name other than Saul.

“His name is Saul of Tarsus, the one he used when he was persecuting Christians, but now he’s Paul, and suddenly he’s writing to all these churches,” Trump said. “Same man. Entirely different branding. We have to find out what happened.”

An aide explained that the Damascus road encounter was generally considered relevant.

“We’re looking at Damascus very strongly,” Trump replied.

The investigation intensified when officials located Acts 13:9, which identifies “Saul, who was also called Paul.”

“In other words, Luke knew,” Trump said. “He put it right there in chapter thirteen. You have to ask why he didn’t put it in chapter one.”

Asked whether openly publishing both names undermined the allegation of concealment, the president described it as “an admission.”

Trump subsequently instructed Gamaliel to accept Paul’s resignation from the Pharisees, despite advisers explaining that Paul’s apostleship was not a position conferred by that group.

“Then he should have no problem resigning,” Trump said.

A review of Paul’s correspondence uncovered letters addressed to Rome, Corinth, Galatia, and Philippi, prompting concerns that the naming arrangement extended across multiple jurisdictions.

“He’s telling the Romans what to do while calling himself Paul,” Trump continued. “Did they ever meet Saul? Were they given that information?”

Officials also questioned Paul’s Roman citizenship before learning that he claimed citizenship by birth.

“Born in Tarsus, citizen of Rome,” Trump observed. “We’re going to need a bigger map.”

At press time, the inquiry had expanded after investigators discovered Simon was also called Peter and Cephas.

The president ordered officials to determine whether these were three apostles or “one man collecting three salaries.”

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