Man Urges Christians to Stop Following Calvin, Cannot Stop Following Calvinists

“Trust Christ, not Calvin,” says account whose last 43 posts concern Calvin.

ONLINE — A theological commentator has announced a renewed commitment to keeping John Calvin out of Christian discourse through what sources describe as an increasingly comprehensive Calvin-monitoring program.

The initiative follows an online exchange urging Christians to “Trust in Christ, not calvin,” a formulation the commentator has reportedly adopted as both his central ministry emphasis and the reason he checks fourteen Reformed accounts before breakfast.[x]

“This obsession with a sixteenth-century Frenchman has to stop,” said fictional discernment blogger Nathaniel Freeborn, opening a spreadsheet titled Calvinists Who Mentioned Calvin Today. “People need to spend less time thinking about what these men believe.”

Freeborn’s latest series, Why I Never Think About Calvin, currently comprises eighteen installments, three livestreams, and a supplementary investigation into whether a Presbyterian’s coffee mug constitutes a devotional object.

According to Freeborn, Calvinists routinely substitute allegiance to a theologian for faith in Christ, as evidenced by their willingness to identify which theological position they hold when directly asked.

“If they followed Jesus, they would just call themselves Christians,” he explained, before updating his biography to “Bible-believing, non-Calvinist, anti-determinist, libertarian-free-will Christian.”

Reformed respondents denied excessive attachment to Calvin in a joint statement beginning, “As Calvin helpfully explains,” and extending to forty-seven pages.

One respondent insisted he had never considered Calvin authoritative, only “particularly useful on this question and most adjacent questions.” Another clarified that his portrait of the reformer was decorative, whereas the framed quotation beside it was pedagogical.

Freeborn dismissed these distinctions as evasive.

“They cannot discuss Christ without bringing up Calvin,” he said beneath a post in which no Calvinist had yet participated.

At press time, a new Christian had asked both parties whether they could recommend something about Jesus.

Freeborn supplied a playlist titled The Christ Calvinists Don’t Want You to Know.

The Presbyterian recommended Calvin’s commentary on John.

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