The Calvinist Chronicle

New owner says he was tired of the team giving his kind a bad name and has limitless resources available for a complete rebuild. ANAHEIM, CA — The Los Angeles Angels were reportedly sold Tuesday to a mysterious buyer who identified himself only as Michael Archangel, immediately prompting concern among baseball reporters that the franchise’s next owner may possess unusually strong opinions about heavenly branding. The Los Angeles Angels (of Anaheim) have faced recurring calls from fans for owner Arte Moreno to sell, although Moreno said earlier this year that he was not actively seeking a sale. Michael Archangel offered only one statement after acquiring the club. “I was tired of the baseball team giving my ‘kind’ a bad name,” he said. “With limitless resources at my disposal, I intend to resurrect it.” Michael is identified in Jude as “the archangel,” and Revelation 12 depicts Michael and his angels fighting against the dragon.  The buyer declined all follow-up questions, including...

Congregation asked to remember Christ’s sacrifice while identifying subtle notes of orchard and clove. MAPLEWOOD, USA — Grace Community Church celebrated the beginning of September Sunday by introducing fall apple-flavored communion wafers and pumpkin-spice wine for its monthly observance of the Lord’s Supper. “Our communion table has always proclaimed Christ’s death until He comes,” said Pastor Daniel Reid. “This month, it will also proclaim that fall begins whenever a church volunteer finds cinnamon.” The Lord’s Supper centers on Christ’s institution of bread and the cup as a remembrance and proclamation of His death, with Paul calling believers to examine themselves and partake reverently.  Church leaders said the seasonal elements would help members reflect solemnly on Christ’s sacrifice while enjoying “subtle notes of orchard, clove, and covenant faithfulness.” The new wafers were distributed from small baskets marked “Taste And See That Fall Is Good.” The wine was served in i...

Officials say the project cannot begin until Christ’s return, but staffing, pearl-gate logistics, and divine-background-check procedures must be ready well in advance. HEAVENLY REALM — Heaven announced an advance recruitment campaign Thursday for Customs and Border Protection officers and Border Patrol agents to assist with future operations at the New Jerusalem, pending the Second Coming and completion of its famously large, high wall. Revelation 21 describes the New Jerusalem as possessing a great, high wall, twelve gates, and angels stationed at those gates; it also says nothing unclean enters the city, only those whose names are written in the Lamb’s Book of Life.  Heavenly officials stressed that the city has not yet descended and its wall is not currently under construction, but said “responsible eschatological planning does not begin after the trumpet sounds.” “We are not saying the angels require help,” said a fictional heavenly recruiter. “We are saying that a twelve-gate ...

Both sides agree the other pronunciation reveals an alarming lack of historical theology, proper Latin, and basic human decency. GRAND RAPIDS, MI — A dispute over how to pronounce the name Augustine entered its fourth day Tuesday after two Reformed men agreed that everybody knows you read it as “Augustine” and not “Augustine.” St. Augustine of Hippo was a fourth- and fifth-century bishop and theologian whose Confessions and City of God remain among Christianity’s most influential works.  His name has more than one recognized English pronunciation, which experts say has made the dispute completely unavoidable. “You can always tell who actually reads the Church Fathers,” said one man, pronouncing the name as “Augustine.”  “The other pronunciation is what happens when people get their theology from airport signs and youth pastors.” A second man, who rather prefers to pronounce it as “Augustine,” called the first pronunciation “a troubling example of modern anti-intellectualism.” ...

“I reject every external constraint on my choices,” he announced shortly before discovering gravity had been holding him down without his consent. PORTLAND, OR — Local man Kevin Drew announced Monday that he had finally embraced true free will, rejecting the idea that any outside force could determine his actions. “I am not controlled by my past, my nature, my circumstances, God, society, biology, or any invisible force whatsoever,” Drew said. “I am completely free.” Moments later, he rose three feet above his kitchen floor. At first, Drew assumed he was experiencing a spiritual breakthrough. But as he continued drifting toward the ceiling fan, he began to suspect that rejecting all external forces had created an unforeseen problem. “Gravity is obviously determinism,” Drew said, clutching a light fixture. “It is constantly acting on me from outside myself. If I accept gravity, then I am admitting that I do not have absolute autonomy.” Gravity is the force of attraction between masses a...

Teenager says he understood the song better after dad’s 40-minute lecture against listening to it. OAKDALE, USA — Local Christian parents Mark and Sarah Wilkins banned Skillet’s song “Monster” from the family car this week after learning that the track’s central theme involves the believer’s struggle against sin and the old self. “I had assumed it was merely loud,” Mark Wilkins said. “But then someone told me it is about the inner battle against the sinful nature. That is far too intense for our children.” Skillet is a Christian rock band, and frontman John Cooper has recently argued that hard-rock music is not inherently demonic simply because of its genre or sound.  The Wilkinses said this was exactly the sort of distinction they preferred not to make. “Scripture may talk about putting sin to death, resisting temptation, and waging spiritual war,” Mark said. “But it does not use electric guitars, so we feel safer if those ideas are communicated only through a gentle acoustic song...

Naval officers say the animal’s cargo manifest is “deeply unusual,” but concede that smuggling a reluctant Old Testament prophet may not technically violate current maritime policy. PERSIAN GULF — A U.S. submarine crew reportedly paused an otherwise routine maritime-security operation this week after sonar detected a large sea creature traveling suspiciously through international waters while carrying a man who identified himself as “Jonah, son of Amittai.” The man, whose voice could reportedly be heard faintly through the whale’s blowhole, said he was not smuggling narcotics, weapons, or prohibited technology. He said he was simply trying to get away from an assignment involving Nineveh. Nineveh was a principal Assyrian city near present-day Mosul, Iraq, and the biblical book of Jonah recounts that the prophet fled his mission, was cast into the sea during a storm, and was swallowed by a great fish before eventually going to Nineveh.  The biblical text says “great fish,” though ca...