The Calvinist Chronicle

Wittenberg rapper denies starting a feud, says he merely identified ninety-five specific reasons his rivals should reconsider their entire business model. WITTENBERG, OCTOBER 31, 1517 — Augustinian monk and emerging theological battle rapper Martin Luther escalated tensions across the ecclesiastical music scene Thursday by dropping 95 Problems And A Pope Ain’t One, a diss track featuring hammer percussion, pipe-organ bass, and enough numbered allegations to require an accompanying study guide. Luther released the track directly onto the Castle Church door, bypassing traditional label distribution and what his manager described as “an increasingly predatory indulgence-based monetization system.” “I am not looking for beef,” Luther said. “I am looking for a public disputation concerning the power and efficacy of indulgences. If that happens to destroy somebody’s revenue stream, they should have diversified.” The release draws on Luther’s Ninety-five Theses, dated October 31, 1517, which ...

 “He’s writing letters under a different name. Many letters. We have to find out what the Corinthians knew.” WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump demanded Paul immediately resign from the Pharisees Friday after discovering the apostle had written numerous letters under a name other than Saul. “His name is Saul of Tarsus, the one he used when he was persecuting Christians, but now he’s Paul, and suddenly he’s writing to all these churches,” Trump said. “Same man. Entirely different branding. We have to find out what happened.” An aide explained that the Damascus road encounter was generally considered relevant. “We’re looking at Damascus very strongly,” Trump replied. The investigation intensified when officials located Acts 13:9, which identifies “Saul, who was also called Paul.” “In other words, Luke knew,” Trump said. “He put it right there in chapter thirteen. You have to ask why he didn’t put it in chapter one.” Asked whether openly publishing both names undermined the all...

Abram’s border declaration, marriage records, and preferred explanation reportedly describe three increasingly complicated situations. EGYPT — An Egyptian inquiry into Abram and Sarai’s household arrangements expanded Tuesday after Sarai answered “Not to my knowledge” when asked whether the man who introduced her as his sister was really her brother. Pharaoh looked toward the official holding Abram’s entry declaration. The official looked toward Abram. Abram requested that everyone stop looking at him until his representatives arrived. The exchange sharpened a modern parallel: Omar reportedly answered “Not to my knowledge” when questioned about the allegation concerning her former husband. Reporting describes a federal immigration investigation, while the New York Post, citing unnamed sources, says investigators have obtained DNA evidence they intend to use to test allegations involving family relationships. Those reports do not establish a publicly verified sibling relationship.  ...

 “They got America in the name. Excellent start. Everything after that needs a very serious review.” WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump appointed Marco Rubio to the newly created position of Chief Reformer Wednesday, directing him to investigate the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.) and determine whether its theology could be restored without first creating another committee. “The name has tremendous potential,” Trump explained. “Presbyterian Church, U.S.A. You’ve got church. You’ve got America. Then you look at the liberal theology and say, ‘What happened? Who approved this?’” Rubio received a briefing folder containing the Westminster Confession, a denominational organizational chart, and a handwritten instruction reading, “FIX BEFORE REFORMATION DAY.” The president singled out the denomination’s policies permitting same-sex marriages and the ordination of people in same-gender relationships, positions the PC(USA) officially allows while preserving certain decisions for its min...

Coalition also confident He would endorse its platform, despite documented difficulties getting Him to follow anyone else’s. PORTLAND, OREGON — A coalition of progressive Christian commentators warned Monday that Jesus could be deported if He entered the United States, describing the hypothetical as “an unprecedented rejection of Christ by political authorities.” The announcement took place beneath a twelve-foot depiction of His execution. “Imagine a government arresting Jesus and treating Him like a criminal,” said coalition spokesperson Rev. Avery Framework. A nearby Sunday school teacher quietly opened her Bible to the Passion narrative. “Now imagine religious leaders cooperating with political power because He refuses to fit their expectations.” The teacher stopped turning pages. “You’re already there,” she said. Organizers acknowledged that Jesus’ previous earthly ministry had encountered difficulties but cautioned against letting the crucifixion overshadow the considerably more u...

 “Whose image is on the coin?” asks local believer, apparently expecting the answer to settle considerably more than a tax question. WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the Treasury’s promotion of Trump dollar coins, a local Christian announced that he had finally found a practical application for Christ’s instruction to render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s: purchasing presidential currency and using it to make a barista uncomfortable. “I’ve always wanted to apply this passage,” said church member Dale Banner, holding a promotional image of the coin. “Previously, it mostly seemed to involve paying taxes, which felt insufficiently confrontational.” Banner explained that the president’s portrait gave the transaction a clear biblical framework. “Whose image and inscription is this?” he asked his pastor. “Trump’s.” “Exactly.” “What do you think that establishes?” “That I need a roll.” His pastor opened Matthew 22 and explained that Jesus’ answer concerned giving Caesar what belonged to Caesar ...

 “I’m not avoiding the text,” he explains. “I’m approaching it from a higher interpretive framework.” SUBURBAN AMERICA — A local theologian has preordered a Tesla Roadster after determining that the most efficient way to reconcile Scripture with his existing convictions is to perform an aerial somersault over every passage that threatens them. Dr. Wesley Context, whose forthcoming commentary promises to let the Bible speak for itself “within reasonable doctrinal limits,” said the purchase would significantly improve his exegetical workflow. “For years, I’ve relied on verbal gymnastics,” Context explained. “It was time to invest in the equipment.” The vehicle will reportedly feature a custom navigation system that detects approaching difficulties and announces, “In three hundred feet, consider the historical context.” If the passage remains troublesome after historical context has been considered, the system recommends a flip. “It’s especially useful when an entire paragraph keeps s...