The Calvinist Chronicle

Even the Calendar Comes From Pagans, Man Declares A Christian man from San Diego, California, has declared that he will not celebrate any holiday, not even his own birthday, because they are all pagan and sinful. John Bradfield, 45, says he has been studying the Bible and history for years and has come to the conclusion that every holiday is an abomination in the eyes of God. "I don't celebrate Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, or any other holiday,"  Bradfield  said. "They are all based on pagan traditions and rituals that have nothing to do with Christianity. They are all corrupted by Satan and his minions. Even my birthday is pagan, because it's based on the solar calendar, which was invented by pagans. I only follow the biblical calendar, which is based on the lunar cycles." Bradfield says he spends his days reading the Bible, praying, and preaching to others about the evils of holidays. He says he has no friends or family,...

Black Friday Frenzy: How Stores Are Fueling the Hypocrisy of Shoppers  They were so thankful the day before. Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, is the most ironic shopping event of the year. Millions of Americans who just thanked God for what they have, rush to the stores to get more of what they don't need. But what happens when the greed overcomes the gratitude? Chaos, violence, and mayhem. Stores across the country are not only expecting, but also provoking the worst-case scenario: a massive brawl among shoppers who are willing to do anything to get their hands on the coveted items. Some of the measures that stores are taking include: - Hiring extra security guards and police officers to patrol the premises and break up any fights, but also to create a sense of urgency and competition among the shoppers. - Installing metal detectors and scanners at the entrances to prevent shoppers from bringing weapons or explosives, but also to make them feel like they are entering a wa...

Lazy Volunteer too Good for Kids A local church volunteer, who signed up for the children's ministry, expressed his frustration and anger at being expected to actually show up for his duties. "I thought it was just a nice way to pad my resume and get some brownie points with God," said the volunteer, who wished to remain anonymous. "I didn't realize I had to actually interact with kids and teach them stuff. That's not what I signed up for." The volunteer said he was shocked when he received an email from the children's ministry coordinator, reminding him of his upcoming shift and asking him to prepare a lesson plan. "I was like, 'What? A lesson plan? I don't have time for that. I have a busy life. I have Netflix shows to watch, video games to play, and memes to share. I can't be bothered with preparing a lesson plan for some snotty-nosed brats.'" The volunteer said he ignored the email and hoped that the coordinator would fo...

All I Want For Christmas is Calvinism COSTA MESA, CA - A local Arminian man, who had been resisting the doctrines of grace for years, finally embraced Calvinism after hearing Mariah Carey's song "All I Want for Christmas Is You" being played in a mall on November 1st. The man, identified as John Thomas, was shopping for some Halloween candy on clearance when he heard the familiar tune of the popular Christmas song. He said he felt a sudden horror and disgust at the wickedness and depravity of the person who would play such a song so early. "I realized that whoever played that song must have a reprobate mind, totally corrupted by sin and unable to please God," Thomas said. "I realized that I was no better than that person, that I was also a sinner deserving of God's wrath. I realized that I was totally depraved and unable to choose God on my own." Thomas also said that the lyrics of the [in]famous song made him realize that free-will theism made God...

The LBCF's Halloween costume: A Reformed confession or a Reformed deception? Corona, CA - Halloween may have ended last week, but the 1689 London Baptist Confession of Faith (LBCF) is still pretending to be a reformed confession, according to sources. The LBCF, a document that claims to summarize the biblical doctrines of the Protestant Reformation, has been accused of being a "cheap knock-off" of the 1646 Westminster Confession of Faith (WCF), a more comprehensive and faithful statement of reformed theology. "The LBCF is like a kid who wears a Superman T-shirt and thinks he can fly," said Dr. John Calvin, a professor of historical theology at Geneva Seminary. "It borrows some words and phrases from the WCF, but it changes or omits the most important parts, such as the covenant of works, the Sabbath, the civil magistrate, and infant baptism." Calvin added that the LBCF is not only a poor imitation of the WCF, but also a contradiction of the reformed tr...

Satanists Say No to Halloween, Yes to Satan: How a Religious Minority Is Challenging the Status Quo A group of satanists has announced that they will not be celebrating Halloween this year, citing religious reasons. The group, which calls itself the Church of Satan, said that Halloween is actually a Christian holiday that has been corrupted by commercialism and paganism. "Halloween is derived from All Hallows' Eve, the eve of the Christian feast of All Saints' Day," said a spokesperson for the Church of Satan. "It is a time when Christians honor their dead and pray for their souls. We, as satanists, do not believe in such superstitions and do not want to participate in this mockery of our faith." The spokesperson added that Halloween also promotes witchcraft, ghosts, vampires, zombies, and other supernatural creatures that have nothing to do with satanism. "We are not interested in dressing up as fictional characters or begging for candy from strangers....

  he Screwtape Letters: A Modern Update In a shocking turn of events, the famous correspondence between the senior devil Screwtape and his nephew Wormwood, a junior tempter, has come to an abrupt end. The reason? Modern society is so depraved that Wormwood has no work to do and Screwtape has gone missing. According to sources in the Lowerarchy, the infernal bureaucracy of Hell, Wormwood has recently applied for unemployment benefits, claiming that his assigned human, known only as "the Patient", is beyond redemption. "He is already so corrupted by the world that I have nothing to tempt him with," Wormwood wrote in his last letter to Screwtape. "He spends all his time on social media, watching Netflix, playing video games, and indulging in every kind of vice imaginable. He has no interest in God, morality, or anything that matters. He celebrates the murder of the unborn by their parents. He doesn't even identify as a "he" anymore. He is a lost caus...