The Calvinist Chronicle

 Three jurors say ancient deity’s compassion and humor were “remarkable”; one holdout “would not worship,” kept saying “these were actual children.” BOSTON, USA — Three jurors from a recent high-profile trial said Wednesday they were frustrated by a lone holdout who “refused to bow to Molech” and “kept saying these were actual children, not offerings,” despite their praise for the biblical idol’s compassion and humor. “His concern for families was amazing,” one juror said of Molech. “You could tell he really cared about children. In a very intense, fire-based way.” Molech, a Canaanite deity associated with child sacrifice, is condemned throughout the Hebrew Bible, particularly in Leviticus, where God commands Israel not to offer their offspring to the idol. The three jurors, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said they found Molech’s presence in the courtroom “almost comforting,” despite his reputation for requiring parents to burn their firstborn. “He had this warmth,” another j...

Driver says the Ichthys is not a statement of faith, but a preemptive apology for merging without signaling. SPRINGFIELD, USA — Local motorist Gary Thompson has placed a Christian fish emblem on the back of his sedan, not to declare his faith, but to excuse his bad driving. “I just want people to know that if I cut them off, it’s not personal,” Thompson said. “It’s theological.” Thompson said he installed the chrome Ichthys last week after a series of close calls on the interstate. “People were honking, yelling, flashing lights,” he said. “Then I saw a car with the fish, and the driver waved instead of flipping me off. I thought, ‘That’s the brand I need.’” Thompson said he understood the symbol’s original meaning, but felt it could be repurposed for modern traffic conditions. “I know it stands for ‘Jesus Christ, God’s Son, Savior,’” he said. “But in my case, it stands for ‘Jesus Cover My Tailgating, Christ Cover My Turn Signal, Savior Cover My Lane Change.’” Thompson said he had consi...

He fears he has cursed the vehicle, though experts say the tire is now safely secured, so long as the proper amount of torque was used. HARTFORD, CT — Local Christian man Brad Ellison entered a state of mild spiritual panic Saturday after tightening the lug nuts on his car in the recommended star pattern and realizing he had spent the last five minutes drawing what appeared to be a pentagram directly onto the wheel. The star or crisscross sequence is a standard method for evenly tightening five-lug wheels, helping prevent uneven pressure and wheel distortion.  But Ellison said the safety rationale did little to comfort him once he noticed the pattern’s five-point geometry. “I was just trying to torque everything to manufacturer specification,” Ellison said. “Then I stepped back and thought, ‘Why does this look like something my youth pastor warned us about in 2004?’” A pentagram is a five-pointed star figure, historically used in several contexts and sometimes associated with the o...

Palace Says Emperor Cannot Be Held Accountable Because Crown Was “Going Through Something” IMPERIAL CAPITAL — The palace communications office moved Tuesday to reassure citizens that the Emperor should not be held personally responsible for his recent decree, explaining that the aging ruler had been suffering from a rare medical condition known as Acute Sovereign Exhaustion Syndrome at the time the document was signed. The condition, palace officials said, affects only those burdened by “unusually high levels of executive authority, ceremonial fabric, and the expectation that every room fall silent when they enter it.” “It is important that the public approach this matter with compassion,” said Aurelia Vex, Senior Vice Prefect for Strategic Narrative, speaking beneath a twenty-foot marble likeness of the Emperor pointing vaguely at the horizon. “His Majesty was not simply issuing policy. He was navigating a complex personal wellness event while several documents happened to be near him...

President declares Calvinism is the gospel and nothing else, calling it tremendous, ancient, and very strong doctrine. WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump signed an executive order Wednesday renaming the Christian gospel “Calvinism,” saying the change was “very historic, very biblical, and frankly something Spurgeon should have gotten credit for sooner.” The order directs all federal agencies, Bibles with government funding, and White House prayer breakfasts to use the new title. Officials said the change applies only to official usage, though the administration expected “many very strong Reformed people” to adopt it voluntarily. Trump said he had studied the matter carefully and concluded that Calvinism was simply the best possible name for the gospel. “It is a nickname to call it Calvinism,” Trump said. “But it is a great nickname. A tremendous nickname. Calvinism is the gospel and nothing else. Believe me.” Spurgeon famously said, “It is a nickname to call it Calvinism; Calvin...

New owner says he was tired of the team giving his kind a bad name and has limitless resources available for a complete rebuild. ANAHEIM, CA — The Los Angeles Angels were reportedly sold Tuesday to a mysterious buyer who identified himself only as Michael Archangel, immediately prompting concern among baseball reporters that the franchise’s next owner may possess unusually strong opinions about heavenly branding. The Los Angeles Angels (of Anaheim) have faced recurring calls from fans for owner Arte Moreno to sell, although Moreno said earlier this year that he was not actively seeking a sale. Michael Archangel offered only one statement after acquiring the club. “I was tired of the baseball team giving my ‘kind’ a bad name,” he said. “With limitless resources at my disposal, I intend to resurrect it.” Michael is identified in Jude as “the archangel,” and Revelation 12 depicts Michael and his angels fighting against the dragon.  The buyer declined all follow-up questions, including...

Congregation asked to remember Christ’s sacrifice while identifying subtle notes of orchard and clove. MAPLEWOOD, USA — Grace Community Church celebrated the beginning of September Sunday by introducing fall apple-flavored communion wafers and pumpkin-spice wine for its monthly observance of the Lord’s Supper. “Our communion table has always proclaimed Christ’s death until He comes,” said Pastor Daniel Reid. “This month, it will also proclaim that fall begins whenever a church volunteer finds cinnamon.” The Lord’s Supper centers on Christ’s institution of bread and the cup as a remembrance and proclamation of His death, with Paul calling believers to examine themselves and partake reverently.  Church leaders said the seasonal elements would help members reflect solemnly on Christ’s sacrifice while enjoying “subtle notes of orchard, clove, and covenant faithfulness.” The new wafers were distributed from small baskets marked “Taste And See That Fall Is Good.” The wine was served in i...