The Calvinist Chronicle

Rapture of the Reds: Entire Church Converts to Communism After Denominational Test DAMASCUS, VA - In a shocking turn of events that has rocked the Christian world, every single member of the First Baptist Church of Damascus has converted to communism after taking a denominational test designed to help them find their theological leanings. The trouble began when Pastor Jim Bob Cooter introduced a new "Spiritual Enneagram" test during last Sunday's service. Designed to match congregants with their ideal Christian denomination, the test instead revealed that every member's beliefs aligned perfectly with the CCP's Three Self Patriotic Movement - a state-sanctioned sect of Christianity in China that requires churches to adhere to strict communist doctrine. "I just can't believe it," said a visibly shaken Cooter. "One minute we were all good God-fearing Baptists, and the next we're a bunch of Mao-worshipping reds! I thought at worst maybe we'd...

Sodom and Gomorrah: The Original Pride Parade Gone Wrong As the calendar turns to June, rainbow flags and glitter will soon blanket city streets worldwide to celebrate LGBTQ+ Pride Month. But before you head out to party, let's take a moment to reflect on the very first recorded Pride parade that didn't go quite as planned - the ill-fated cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. For those rusty on their biblical history, Sodom and Gomorrah were neighboring municipalities around the Dead Sea renowned for their hospitality and...other proclivities. When two angels visited the cities incognito, the residents rolled out the welcome mat in a manner that would make modern swingers blush.  Lot, a seemingly chill dude who just wanted to mind his own business, tried to protect the angels from the amorous townsfolk. But despite his pleas to "not act wickedly," the cities' citizens continued to pursue their unconventional interests with gusto befitting their reputation as the original ...

Frozen Chosen Matron's Meddling Melts Icy Decorum CHILLTOWN, MI - An ordinary Sunday morning service at the First Presbyterian Church of Chilltown took an unexpected charismatic turn this past weekend, all thanks to one woman's battle against the dreaded "frozen chosen" stereotype. According to multiple eye-witness accounts, long-time member Gladys Farnsworth, 72, arrived at the 11 a.m. traditional service dressed in a heavy parka, mittens, and a wool cap - her usual attire for combating the meat-locker temperatures that have made First Pres infamous among other local congregations. "I'm just sick of being called a 'frozen chosen' Presbyterian," a defiant Mrs. Farnsworth told reporters. "We're supposed to be the warm, welcoming, 'broad tent' denomination. But it's hard to extend that welcome when you're shivering like a sauna-deprived Swede!" Upon realizing that the janitor had accidentally left the sanctuary thermos...

Calvinist Claims Pineapple Pizza Proves Total Depravity The ham and pineapple pizza is credited to the late Sam Panopoulos of Ontario, Canada who dubbed it the “Hawaiian” pizza in honor of the source of his pineapple. The term, however, is generally rejected by many Hawaiian locals because it is not an example nor representation of their traditional cuisine. *Bellflower, CA —* In a theological twist that's sure to stir up more than just sauce and cheese, local Calvinist theologian Cornelius "Cal" Grumbleton has declared that the existence of pineapple on pizza is undeniable proof of humanity's total depravity. During a spirited debate with Provisionist Percy "Pineapple Pete" Pizzalover, Grumbleton pulled out a slice of pineapple pizza, much to the audience's gasp, as his trump card. "Behold, the very embodiment of our fallen nature," Grumbleton proclaimed, holding the controversial slice aloft. "This pineapple pizza is not just a crime aga...

Fido the Calvinist Pup? Not Quite Bram Jansen had a brilliant idea - reform his beloved Golden Retriever Fido by reading him the classic theological work "Reformed Dogmatics" by Herman Bavinck. After all, it's called "Dog-matics," right? Bram an avid reader and self-proclaimed theologian, had high hopes for his furry companion. "I thought, why not elevate Fido's spiritual life?" he explained. "Maybe he'd start quoting Calvin and debating predestination at the dog park." With enthusiasm, Bram dove into the first volume, passionately reciting Bavinck's deep insights on scriptural authority and the nature of God. Poor Fido just stared blankly, his tail thumping in confusion. "Get it, boy? The dogma? The truth?" Bram pleaded, undeterred by Fido's obvious lack of comprehension. Weeks went by in this fruitless endeavor. Bram's zeal never waned, even as Fido remained stubbornly unreformed.   However, after diligently re...

Satanic Portraits Causing Stir Among Theologians PHOENIX, AZ - The art world was rocked this week by claims that a recently unveiled portrait of King Charles III contains hidden demonic imagery. But that's not all - a prominent theologian is now alleging that a similar satanic phenomenon can be observed in historical portraits of Protestant reformer John Calvin. The royal portrait by artist Lucian Freud has been criticized for appearing to show a faint demonic figure lurking behind the King's left shoulder when the image is digitally edited and manipulated. Buckingham Palace has dismissed the claims as "mischievous nonsense." However, Leighton Flowers, director of the anti-Calvinist ministry "Soteriology 101," has taken things a step further. At a press conference yesterday, Flowers presented an analysis that he claims proves Calvin's own portrait contains hidden "doctrine of demons" messaging. "If you take an image of Calvin's famous ...

Praise Be to the Single Dads on Mother's Day! Mother's Day is once again upon us - that blessed annual celebration of the nurturing, life-giving feminine spirit. As Christians, we honor the sacred role of mothers and give thanks for their selfless devotion in raising up a new generation of believers. But what about the single fathers out there? Those brave souls who through divorce, tragedy or other circumstances have been called upon to play the role of both mom and dad? Do they not also deserve to be showered with love, appreciation and way too many breakable knick-knacks on this special day? After all, is not fatherhood one of our Lord's greatest gifts? Did not God himself lament "I am a mother to Israel" (Isaiah 49:15) in his infinite paternal wisdom? And have not single dads walked the same difficult path, nurturing and guiding their children with gentle hands and frequent time-outs? These men have risen to the challenge of being a parent times two. They have...

Crossfit Gym Hosting "Intense Spiritual WOD" Mistaken for Pentecostal Church Service Jerusalem, California- Parishioners of the First Pentecostal Church of Jerusalem were in for a surprise this Sunday when they showed up for their weekly service, only to find a group of sweaty, spandex-clad individuals jumping around and grunting to the sounds of Christian rock music. "I walked in and immediately knew something was off," said longtime church member Martha Wilkins. "There were people doing these strange exercises and throwing heavy objects around, all while the music was blasting. I thought I had walked into some kind of cult ritual, not our regular Sunday service." It turns out the "intense spiritual workout" was actually just the 6am Crossfit class at Jerusalem Fitness, a local gym next door that had recently started playing contemporary Christian music during their early morning sessions.  "We were just trying to create a more motivational...

"Arminianism? More like Arm-in-a-sling-ianism!" SANTA CLARITA, CA - In a shocking announcement this week, prominent Calvinist pastor John MacArthur declared that the theological system of Arminianism is not a real thing.  "Arminianism? Never heard of it," MacArthur told reporters at a press conference. "Sounds like some made-up nonsense to me. Just like those so-called 'mental disorders' like ADHD and PTSD. Those aren't real either." MacArthur, known for his hardline Calvinist views and opposition to contemporary psychology, went on to explain that the entire concept of Arminianism, which emphasizes human free will and the possibility of losing one's salvation, is simply a figment of people's imaginations. "It's all part of Satan's deception to get people to think they have some kind of 'free will' and can 'choose' to follow Christ," MacArthur said. "We all know that's impossible. God predestin...

Woman Prefers Debating Bear Over Calvinist Theologian "At least the bear won't quote John Calvin at me for hours," says exasperated local Chino, CA - In a shocking turn of events, local woman Beatrice Winslow has publicly declared that she would much rather engage in a lively debate with a grizzly bear than sit across from a Calvinist theologian.  "Look, I get that bears can be dangerous and all, but at least they're honest about their nature," Winslow stated in a recent interview. "With a Calvinist, you're just going to get a relentless barrage of predestination this and total depravity that. I'd rather take my chances with sharp teeth and claws than sit through another argument about limited atonement." Winslow went on to explain that her aversion to Calvinist theology stems from a traumatic experience in her youth, when she was forced to attend a revival meeting led by a particularly zealous Reformed pastor. "He kept going on and on...